I have a dear friend that LOVES to paper craft. If she gets to visit a new scrap booking store filled with new stuff she goes nuts. You probably have a similar type of store that gets you excited too. Maybe it is a cooking, clothing, jewelry, or thrift store. For some it is a store with spices or a farmers market that gets them super excited. What is your ideal store to shop?
My ideal store is an outdoor sporting goods store. Not just any store though. Big 5 is not for me. No, no, no. I need a real sporting goods store. Yesterday we found the store of my dreams. It is a store I’ve only been able to visit online because I’ve never lived near an actual, physical location. I’ve always drooled over the catalogs and fantasized about what the real store would be like. Last night we were on a road trip and we stumbled upon the store, so we decided to return later. I was up all night imagining what it would be like to be THERE. IN THERE with all OF THE STUFF IN THERE. Ughhhh!!! It got my heart racing and I couldn’t sleep because I was just so excited. I just caught a glimpse of the sign up there on the hill overlooking the interstate. It killed me to not slam on the brakes and stop right then and there. . . .
Please DON’T LAUGH!! I’m serious. I have waited for YEARS to go here:
Look at the majestic drive up to the entrance. The lamp posts even have elk on them . . . awwww. I love this place. It is so over the top. SO unnecessarily injected with testosterone. . . so ridiculous. I LOVE THIS PLACE.
Even the flags were at full flapping attention – eager to look magnificent, just as they do on the catalog cover. The ginormous rock columns look like they were raised out of a raging river bed. The wood on the exterior appears to have been recently hauled out of the mountains by a team of mules and . . . and elephants!!! It is monstrous. It is extravagant. And I really can’t explain why I want to be here at all. But I do. I DO I DO I DO.
Inside, there is a massive mountain in the middle of the 125,000 square foot shopping extravaganza. On that mountain is every type of dead and stuffed animal known to man. OVER – THE – TOP. My GOD people just went out and shot a shit load of animals just to stick them in this huge building on top of a fake mountain and then stuffed them so that they looked like they still had some measure of life in their skins. There they stand in the same pose for eternity – trying to look life-like. People stand outside the rugged fence surrounding the mountain and take pictures and compliment the beauty of the remarkable animals that are assembled on and around the mountain. It is laughable. I love it.
They have an aquarium on the other side of the shoe section. WHY? Because there are trout in there, that’s why. You don’t need a real reason to keep trout. And trout apparently require a bazillion gallon aquarium inside of an outdoor store. The trout are, predictably, in the fishing section and serve to get people psyched up about rods, and reels, and waders and lines and bait and flies(fly's?) and floats and . . . . dear Lord I’m out of terminology.
Next to the fishermen are the bow hunters. Bow hunters are real hunters, according the bow hunters. They don’t need no fancy schmancy sights and bullets. They just need a favorable breeze GOD DAMMIT. They need good camo, and scent masking. . . . that’s it. This is how the ancestors hunted. Only the best stalkers can be bow hunters – they say. I’m surprised I didn’t see long spears and addle addles for sale.
And they start the bow hunters young. If anyone needs a toddler sized projectile bow kit – I can grab one for you. No worries, they don’t discriminate based on gender.
If you prefer to keep your distance while killing (some pansies don't like the smell of blood), don’t worry they have lots of guns for you to choose from.
Good news, you can start the youngin’s early in this sport as well.
I actually don’t have a problem with hunting for meat. I just think that all the hype and propaganda surrounding these sports is laughable. The number of trophy animals in that building is ridiculous and wasteful.
We had a blast though. We laughed at the fact that they put a prairie dog ass on display. Can you see which little prairie dog I'm talking about??
The animals all had some pretty crazy expressions. The elk seemed to be frozen in a silent scream, as did the squirrel. It's as if they were looking at a gun . . . .
The moose was in natural habitat - in the fountain.
The Polar bear and the arctic wolf and musk ox were all hangin' out around the grizzly bear kill in their natural environment.
And last but not least the boy scouts were checking out a video game about something involving animal death over in the children's section. (You should have seen me trying to go undetected while getting this picture. I'm totally NOT bow hunting material. I knocked over a small hat display right after this picture was taken.)
Unfortunately I didn’t find the good deals I had anticipated and wasn’t able to fill my cart up with all the loot I had dreamt about. I had hoped to get a good wireless fence for Olivia (so she can roam around the rental property). And I wanted to get her a durable winter jacket because she is a greyhound mix and doesn’t have body fat sufficient for Montana winters. We also needed to get some rain pants for us humans.
I did however find some awesome scrap booking stuff for my friend. . . . but decided that she would probably not enjoy a big paper trout and picnic basket the way that I do.
I decided I like Cabela’s online shopping better than shopping in the actual store.
Hope you all have a good Fourth of July!!
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