My New Toy

I got a very fancy scanner for Christmas that allows me to scan film (I have sooo much film) and convert it to digital copies. 

It.
Is.
Awesome.

My wedding photos were taken about 6 months before you had the option of getting digital versions so all of my photos are on film.  It worked out to my benefit because I am able to scan a fairly high resolution photo from the film, but the original digital copy (had I gotten one) would have been fairly low quality by today's standards. 

And now I'm a scanning fool. To make it even better. . . included in the box with my super deluxe scanner was a copy of Adobe Photoshop Elements. 

Hell yeah bitches.  You heard me.  I am able to not only scan them. . . I can edit too. 

If any of my friends have old film they would like to convert to digital copies. . . I'm totally open to you coming on over to Casa de Kristin and scan away.  Or I can scan it for you. 

I'm so happy I can get copies of my pictures now. . . and not risk some 18 year old meth addict developer at the Methmart photocenter messing up my irreplaceable film. 

I reduced this photo resolution for the ol blog but I could easily get 8X10's or 11X14's if I wanted. Notice I was able to keep the flowers colored?  Pretty cool stuff for this housewife.  I'm super excited to FINALLY get Photoshop. 

But let's just back up a moment.  Look how YOUNG I AM. 

This was only in 2002.  Ahhhhh, memories.  I need to run out and get some more wrinkle reducing age defying moisturizer. 

Hey Good News!!

In true Kristin fashion, for the last week I have been misdiagnosing myself via Google with every worst case scenario imaginable. 

My Symptoms:  Headache, extreme fatigue, muscle weakness, headaches, dizziness, confusion, insomnia.

My Google Diagnosis options:  Mini strokes, brain tumor, hormonal imbalance, poisoning.

My Actual Diagnosis:  Poor reaction to antibiotics.  Different antibiotics needed.

I have got to stop Googling everything.

Merry Christmas

Making Cookies

My guys were sooo cute in the hats that Grammy and Pop gave them.  Now that's funny right there.

Making Cookies from Kristin Johnson on Vimeo.

Holy CRAP

Every once in a while, I decide to freak out about something that is really not worth freaking out about.  This is one of those times.  Now let me qualify my first sentence by saying that I do have a very good reason to be concerned and to take action, but I shouldn't be freaking out like I am.

I saw this article on CNN today.   My city is NUMBER 8.  We are 7 spots down from the highest level tested in this study. 

AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

Wait.  Deep breaths. No not working.

AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

Ok.  My knee jerk reaction is OF COURSE to run out and get a multi-million dollar whole neighborhood reverse osmosis with ion and carbon blabitty blabbittty blahhh blahhhhhh thingimigigga.   And throw another one in so that the school will have its own dedicated reverse osmosis with ion and carbon blabitty blabbittty blabbitu thinganimigigga - because Lucas will be there next year and all that jazz.

I really, REALLY should have paid more attention in Chemistry.  ALL four years of chemistry I spent in college have left my brain and have been replaced with correct Tylenol dosage rates based on weight for small children.

Money well spent. Thanks Mom and Dad for sending me to college for FOUR years so that I can use my education to NOT overdose your grandchildren.  Oh- our drinking water - you ask?  Yeah, um, well you see Mom and Dad, I figure the city and those folks take care of that. 

Wha????  Wha tchu talkin' bout - they don't test for a major and widely known carcinogen (thank you Erin Brockovich for being a badass)???

Gastrointestinal Tumors?  Naaaahhhhh.  I don't believe it.  Not in America.  Right?  Right?

Hmmm.  This ain't cool people.  Not cool at all.

http://www.ewg.org/tap-water/getawaterfilter  This is the site I've been checking out to learn about water filters. 

DID YOU KNOW that Brita filters don't take nearly as much out of your water as a PUR filter? 

Verwwwy Interwesting. 

Oh and one more thing:

Dear EPA, 
Please pull your head out of your antiquated ass and update the water quality standards so that the citizens that pay your salary will be better protected and won't have panic attacks over hexavalent chromium.  If you were doing your job hexavalent chromium would not be in my vocabulary. 
-Kristin

Green Beans?

This hardly seems like the season to find really super duper good fresh green beans in the store.  I always thought of green bean season in the late summer.  For the last 5 summers or so, I've been anxiously scanning the produce sections for a crisp semi straight unblemished green beans.  Five years.  It could be that my standards are just too high or that I'm looking at the wrong stores, or that they do actually have the best selection in the winter. 

So you had to read all of that, to find out that today. . . I found them.  The perfect green beans.  I'm picky because I need straight and crisp ones for canning.  Taaaa Daaaaa!!!! Pickled green beans.  Mmmmm.

The boys, as you can see, wanted to help snip the ends off with a knife so they used their kid butter knives to help.  It was so cute to see them putting the pieces in the correct bowls.  They loved stuffing the jars with the green beans too.  Although, Lucas took a whiff of the fresh dill and recoiled with a wrinkled nose.  "It is so stinky Mom." 

Speaking of Lucas quotes, here are a couple from today.  Please keep in mind that the first one is embarrassing for me because I don't want to admit that he may have heard this around the house.  However I want to remember it because some day they will be super funny and I won't be embarrassed. 

AJ was wrapping presents and Lucas stole the tape and walked away.
AJ: Lucas bring that back, aren't you going to stay and help me?
Lucas: Daddddyyyy, don't be such a pain in the ass.

Do you see why I cringed?  It was REALLY funny and cringe worthy at the same time.  I do need to watch what I say now more than ever though.  Next up:

AJ's suitcase has been sitting in our bedroom for two days and he didn't open it to unpack it.  I always bug AJ to unpack so I can wash all his clothes but recently have given up and not said anything about it to him.  He will unpack when he gets to it.  So Lucas went into our room and began to unzip and pull the dirty clothes out. 
AJ: Lucas what are you doing?
Lucas: I'm doing what you have not been doing.

That kid is full of one-liners lately.  So if you  see a bunch of Lucas quotes on here more frequently it is just because he is hysterical. 

Speaking of Nick.  He is a dictator.  In a cute lovable, cuddly way.  He lifts his shirt up and orders you to say hello to his belly button.  "Say hello to my belly button!!"  You had better comply or else he will persist until you begin to beat your head on the counter tops. 

Also Nick is learning new boundaries by having to clean up messes he deliberately makes.  Case in point:  AJ asked Nick to go throw the empty pretzel bag away and instead he turned the bad upside down and dumped pretzel crumbs all over the carpet and then threw the container on the ground.  Then he walked away.  I then MADE a limp and screaming Nick pick up the bag and take it to the garbage.  THEN we forced him to get the vacuum and clean up his crumbs.  The battle rages on. 

However Nick is also all about the tickle too.  He will walk up and lift his shirt up and order you to tickle him.  "Tickle me all over.  TICKLE MOM.  TICCCCKKKKLLLLEEEE!"   It is adorable, but we really need to work on some manners.

Snow Snow Snow

Building a snowman



Mr. Cuddle Bug

 

Mr. Blue Eyes

 

Coming over to see Momma

One big ball coming up!




The finished product



One creepy gate keeper snowman . . .

Friday!!

Friday!!  It is a snow day for the schools.  I'll try to post some pics of the kids in the snow. 

I'm a little sad for Lucas because his class has been practicing for the school production tomorrow where the kids all sing for the parents.  It looks like it will be cancelled.  He's going to be really sad.  He has been practicing his songs for a week now.  We might try to do something extra special for him so he doesn't feel so sad.

And we were able to Skype with my parents for a while today which was really nice.  They were doing good and the boys showed them the tree (again) and Nick needed to show them his belly button (again) and Lucas was excited to show them the boogers in his nose.  They did what grandparents do best and they were extra excited for all of the items they were shown.  The boys were really super duper happy to see them again.  Of course we can't wait to see them in person. Until then thank goodness for Skype!!  I wish all my family would be willing to give it a try. . . hint hint.  ;-)

My Husband Is My Hero

AJ swooped in this evening, home early from his trip, and saved the day!  I am so grateful for him.  Nick has beaten me DOWN this afternoon and evening.  He is in full two year old "it's all about me and you all will suffer with me until I get what I want, when I want it and how I want it." 

We had a great day prior to Nick's meltdowns.  We took off to the Santa Fe Children's museum and had a fabulous time there.  In case you all were on the edge of your seats: they did in fact restock the worm bin since our last visit.  You are welcome for that update.  haha.

They also changed up the activities and displays which was nice and we had a freakin' blast playing with gravity and special scissors, train tracks, bubbles and pulleys.  Yes pulleys.  For parents who have engineer minded children the pulley section will be an enormous hit as it was for my "advanced" offspring.  How do you play with gravity, you ask?  Well let me tell you. . .  kidding.  Kidding.  I will spare you the details.

Oh. My. Gosh.  I'm once again laughing at myself because of course, I'm totally kidding about the advanced thing.  I love Love LOVE to make fun of parents that get off on labeling their children like that.  It is so fascinating to me . . . . maybe I'm advanced too.  Bahhhahahahahaha!!!  Seriously, I'm freakin' on a roll here!

So we might get a membership there this year instead of at Explora.

Then Nick missed a nap and the afternoon went straight to hell . . . until AJ swooped in to take over while I hid from the screeching and whining in my bed under the covers.  He is handling Nick far, far better than I would be at this point.

Oh.  Wait . . . . now Lucas is freaking out.  They are both so tired.  And here I lay.  In bed.  On the computer.  Totally lazy and not going to help my sweet hubby.  Seriously.  My hero.  He lucked out too because I used my "advanced" brain to educate his "advanced" children all day and due to the extreme amount of energy my brilliant brain powers itself on I am just pooped out.  No amount of nuturition can keep up with such an incredible organ. . .  heee heee.  I'll see if he buys that excuse.

Quotes I Like

(Pssst.  At this moment, the last one is my favorite. Tomorrow I might change my mind again. )


"She's the sort of woman who lives for others - you can tell the others by their hunted expression."
— C.S. Lewis (The Screwtape Letters)
 
"Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony."
— Mahatma Gandhi
 
"Friendship is the hardest thing in the world to explain. It's not something you learn in school. But if you haven't learned the meaning of friendship, you really haven't learned anything."
— Muhammad Ali

"Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy."
— Albert Einstein

"Don't be so humble - you are not that great."
— Golda Meir

"To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad."
— Jack Handey (Deep Thoughts)

"Never tell the truth to people who are not worthy of it."

— Mark Twain

Grease Ball Wife

Today AJ left town for the week.  He's about three hours away - so not too far. 

After he left I got started on the monumental task of reassembling two Britax car seats after I'd washed the covers.  It was epic.  Lucas's seat is a beast and is far more complicated than Nick's seat.

There were straps and holes, and metal bars, and velcro, and more straps, and some more holes and all sorts of knobs, and tethers and adjustments and different ways to thread the straps based on the weight of the child and several teeny tiny diagrams demonstrating how to do all of this. . . .

Epic.

We lost the bar that goes in the back of Lucas's seat.  He'd been playing with it yesterday while I cleaned the car out.  I didn't think anything of it until I needed it this morning to reinstall the seat.

ME: "Lucas what did you do with the black metal bar from your car seat?"
Lucas (looking at the garage door motor on the ceiling of the garage):  "I put it up there Mom.  See?  It's up on the roof."
Me:"No, Lucas, for real.  What did you do with it?"
Lucas: "I dunno." 
Me: "Lucas we have to find it or we can't go anywhere all week."
Lucas: "Oh. Ok."  (Looks as ceiling again) "THERE IT IS, IT'S UP THERE."
Me: "Go to the playroom.  Mommy needs alone time."

I was about to scream.  It took me three hours and one tearful phone call to a sympathetic friend to locate the damn thing at the bottom of a box. 

At 12:30 AJ called and said "Babe, I forgot my wallet on top of the dresser, I have no money and no gas." 

So I loaded the kids into the newly fixed car (!!! finally!!!).  The paint on the hood is peeling and looking really terrible but hey. . . . it runs good, gets good gas mileage, and it's paid for.

We drove two hours up to see AJ where he met us and I had the opportunity to meet one of his bosses.  Yayyy!  I had heard a lot about her and it was all good, so I was happy to finally meet her. 

BUT.

I hadn't showered.  And I hadn't brushed my hair.  And I had raspberry jam smeared across my sweatshirt from a peanut butter and jelly incident at lunch with Nick.  And my armpits stunk from the WWE wrestling match with the car seats . . . and the lack of shower.  And, I later discovered, I had mascara from yesterday smeared under one eye. 

Of course when AJ called I rushed out the door - not thinking I'd meet his boss - and several coworkers he always talks about.  I'd just finished manhandling 200 lb car seats into place - which as most of you know - is a gargantuan task.

So, to sum up:  I was smokin' hot. 

AJ was kind and introduced his grease-ball wife to his boss and other people. . . and they were kind and made small talk.  They didn't mention my hair was balled together in a knot that I had tried to hide in a ponytail -which really looked like a rats nest. 

He must have been so proud of me pimpin up in the car without paint on the hood and then getting out and looking like I'd slept under a bridge.   Mighty, mighty proud.

A Day Without A Nap

Nick refused a nap again today. At 6:15pm he was too tired to go on. He fell asleep on the ottoman, which I think is a very strange place to fall asleep.

Really, It's All Good

So.  Judging from some of the emails I've received about my previous post you all must think I'm an angry monster looking for a innocent victim.

We had a great time at the River of Lights.  The boys had so much fun and we did too.  It was less crowded than previous years because we went earlier in the month and on a weekday.  I'm glad we went.  It would have been perfect if there weren't so many idiots in this world. 

I forgot to tell you about the three car argument in the parking lot over who would get our spot when we pulled out.  One dude parked his car directly behind ours so that NO ONE could go anywhere until we all consented that he get the spot.  It was ridiculous. 

No one holds me hostage for a parking spot.  I crudely offered to violate his car with my tow hitch. 

That didn't go over so well.

Once again - I realize how classy I am.  I'm surprised I don't live in a home on wheels.

AJ was the peacemaker. 

He's used to playing the peacemaker for me.  And he's pretty good at it. 

How Did That Work Out For Ya?

Cleaning.  Yesterday.  Yeah.

Here's how the morning went:

Nick poured water on Lucas's head (came up from behind him).  Lucas freaks.  Nick gets in trouble.  I get busy cleaning up the carpet.

While wiping up carpet I hear the dog puking.  Onto my carpet.  Yayyy!

While cleaning up dog puke (and trying to fight the dog off from re-eating her own vomit - fun!!) I hear Nick thumping around in the other room.  I immediately get up to see what he is doing and. . . . .

Wait for it. . . . . .

He found the cat's water dish and dumped it onto my pillows and my laptop computer.

The term "fuming mad" doesn't quite cover it.

I sent him to his room so that I didn't kill him.  Out of sight out of mind.  Thankfully my computer is alright and my pillows are drying.

In other news - we went to the River of Lights last night.  It is a Christmas light show at the Botanic Gardens. 

We ended up going at the last minute.  I didn't have my camera.  If I did have my camera I would have taken pictures of the hoards of wheelchairs that clogged up the pathways and doorways.  And wheeled oxygen tanks too - those were fun to narrowly miss tripping over.

Oh the MASSIVE double jogging strollers were obnoxious in an in-your-face kind of way.  The people knew it would be crowded.  Their FIVE YEAR OLDS CAN WALK and the freaking strollers kept getting wedged into the doorways or between the rocks on the narrow path ways. . . I swear.  Dumbasses. 

And here is an observation from Cranky Kristin:  Ladies.  Don't wear healed clicky-clacky leather boots in your grey lambs wool coat to the botanic garden at night.  No, you don't look cute with your fancy hair perfectly curled and your shiny god damned lip gloss.  You look like an unprepared idiot.  You look stupid.  Wear appropriate footwear and stop whining when your boots get muddy. Suck it the F up ladies. 

And one more thing, just because you starve yourself doesn't mean you need to be mean to little kids.  If you cast a bitchy look at my adorable children who accidentally bump into your bony ass I will take you down. Fa la la la LA. La. La. La. Laaaaaa.

Crazy Week

This week is a busy week.  There's sickos and activities and doctors and events  . . . . I'll post as soon as I get a chance. 

Saus Saus and Eggs

I love how cute the kiddos are in this video.  Nick can't say sausage but instead says "Saus Saus" which I think is the sweetest thing.




Saus Saus and Eggs from Kristin Johnson on Vimeo.

Pullups and A Scary Rug

Long after your child has been potty trained, keep a stash of pullups around for when they get the flu - even if you never used pullups to begin with.  At 2 am after the second accident you will want to put the sick child into something easy, comfortable and disposable for the NEXT SIX accidents that happen before the sun comes up. 

I hadn't thought about it before, but young children aren't able to guage a fart from something more serious. . . . so I'm glad I had those disposables around because 4 year olds make BIG messes.

Big messes.

Poor little man was pretty upset about all the mess, but we reassured him that this happens to everyone at some point and he seems to feel better about things. 

Now is the challenge of keeping him hydrated. . . we bought "fancy water" which is the flavored water.  I've never purchased flavored water before because it seems silly to pay money for that sort of thing  - but little man is having trouble keeping stuff down so . . .

In other news: Last week we hung this Peruvian rug on our bedroom wall thinking it would add some color to the room.  BAD IDEA.  I'm sure you can see why. 



Those stinkin' eagles scared the hell out of me in the dark.  I made AJ get up the other night and take it off the wall so I could go to sleep.  What was I thinking??  This was totally foreseeable.  Look at the claws on those things.  And somehow in the dark the eagles look like huge eyes and the pyramids look like a nose  . . . so three sets of eyes looking down on me was unnerving. 

I still love the rug (so colorful and pretty) but it needs to hang somewhere else.

Kitty Body Language

WHY??  Why must I bore you with more kitty action?  Because the kids are getting the stomach flu that I just got over and they aren't very photogenic today.  That's why.  And because it is a relief that the cats aren't trying to kill each other anymore. 

Do you know how stressful it is to live with angry kitties??  Surprisingly stressful.  These bitches know how to cause universal misery.

Surprisingly Riley (the calico) who has always been soooooo timid has come out of her shell and is cracking down on all the attitude flying around this house.  She decided a few days ago that she will hide in the closet NO MORE, and she will sit in the sunshine when ever she feels like it and Haylee (white cat) and Maya (leopard cat) can suck it if they don't like it. 

I know.  My descriptive language is super classy. 

So Riley, one night, stepped out of the closet and laid down the law.  Maya got an ear full of growling and hissing and Haylee sat in the corner like a scolded child.  Ever since then, Riley has been the peacemaker.  It's her way now.  She is the *ahem* Hefty one and therefore she rules by intimidation now. 

I love that she has stepped up to the plate.  Maya still pisses Haylee and Riley off only because she is younger and wants to play chase and tackle play. . . . which obese older kitties are not enthusiastic about.  Olivia (dog) and Maya have decided to chase each other through the house lately.

Oh and it probably helps that I've been shamelessly and liberally drugging them with catnip.  That shit is seriously like kitty weed.  They just don't give a damn after a bit of the nip.  And it is fun for me to watch them get high.

Nick refused to take a nap so I told him to take quiet time in the bedroom.  He took his pants off and fell asleep with TWO baba's . 

Uh Huh.  I know.  Most people feel that baba's are bad - especially for a two year old.  However, this like everything else in parenting is subjective.  I'll do the old "it's time to give them to other babies" trick in about 6 months when he turns three.  Three is a more self assured age and a better time for that transition - in my obnoxious opinion.

Oh and helpful tip of the day:  When your child says they have a tummy ache.  Immediately give them a barf bowl  . . . just in case. And don't put them into your bed without putting on your old sheets and a towel on top of that. . . just in case.