Is AJ Home Yet?

Lucas woke me up at 5:20am by throwing open my curtains in my bedroom and letting in the little bit of light that was starting to fill the sky.  He told me in a jolting loud voice that the sun was coming up and he was hungry.  I told him it was way too early for him to be up and to go back to bed.  He climbed into bed with me and asked me to turn on cartoons. 

Previously Nick had come into my room at 2:00am (not 2:01am but exactly 2 am.) and was crying.  I pulled him into bed and then after he calmed down I returned him to his own bed.  At some point after that while I was deep in a sleep deprived coma, he must have climbed back into bed with me because I vaguely remember him thrashing around beside me.  And then I fully woke up when he began snoring in my ear with his mouth hanging open and drool all over my pillow.  It was really cute and I was afraid to move him to his own bed again because if he woke up I'd be screwed.

This morning Nick insisted on going outside in his pajamas.  I was happy to let him go as long as I didn't have to use brain power to entertain him.  I went outside to empty the baby pool so there wouldn't be a drowning hazard and then came back inside.  Next thing I know a muddy brown Nick - from head to toe - shows up at the back door.  His pajamas weren't red anymore they were dark brown with mud.  He had fallen face first into the mud and was FILTHY.  I stripped him down and sent him back outside naked, at 7:30 am.

I sense that today will be about survival.  And as usual AJ is out of town and sleeping soundly in a hotel room. 

So Are We Friends or Not?

Ha!!  I am seriously laughing out loud.  Today I found out that one of my "friends" on Facebook selectively blocks me from posts.  I am only privileged enough to be allowed to see certain ones.  And it is HYSTERICAL to me. 

Am I a friend or not?  Am I good enough to see your posts or not?  And if not, why the heck are we "friends"?  Because truly, I don't have time for that crap.  I just don't have time to edit each and every post based on who is special enough to see what I write.  And I'm not gonna make time either, because I've got some laundry that needs to be folded, and dinner that needs to be made and kiddos that need another hug and kiss.  Funny.  I love it when people let me see little snippets of who they really are.  It makes me smile in a evil Grinchy sort of way. 

Boobies

Lucas announced tonight that when he grows up he will be getting his boobies.  And he is really excited to get boobies.  I tried explaining the whole "only women get breasts" thing but he insists that he is already a big boy and soon his boobies will grow.  There is no talking him out of it.  He knows this will happen and Mommy is just plain wrong. 

Kids are funny!

I'm Back

We survived a camping trip with the boys and our "new" trailer.  It took us a total of ten hours to arrive at Yuba State Park in Utah where we met AJ's family.  We broke the trip into two days, day one: 6 hours to Moab, UT and on day two another 4 hours to Yuba.  The boys did soooo well in the car I was really amazed.  While in Moab we stayed at a completely full KOA campground.  We had never stayed in a commercial RV park before and were horribly underwhelmed.  Why do people pay $40 a night for this?  We were crammed into slots that were about 12 feet wide.  We were packed in with other RV's like sardines and we could hear everyone VERY well.   We were deprived of sleep due to the noises coming from the "resort" around us.  It was awful.  A Wal-mart parking lot would have been preferable.

(On the way home we stayed in Moab for two nights and visited Arches National Park which was amazing.  You would think we learned our lesson at the KOA but noooo, we elected to stay at another RV "resort" that was supposed to be better than the KOA.  And it was not any better.  We had to turn on our AC unit on the RV to block out the sound of the dude in the next camp site (4 feet away from our heads) zipping up his sleeping bag and blowing his nose.  It was fancy.  Never again.  I mean it this time.)

We got up early the on day two and hit the road.  Thankfully Yuba was a gorgeous lake with spectacular views.  The campground was full, but spaced out so we didn't feel crowded.  And the showers and restrooms were clean and in good condition.  I can't say enough good things about our experience here.  The kids had fun and got to know their cousins better. 

Now for the drama:  While we were unhooking the trailer to set up we became "those newbies" that everyone gathers to not-so-secretly watch set up camp.  The trailer hitch fell off the block and began to roll (NOT GOOD!!) Thankfully the wheel chalks stopped it.  At this point AJ and I had a clenched teeth "meeting" in the center of our site because I had told him NOT to do what he did and now LOOK WHAT HAPPENED.  My "I told you so" angry attitude did not help the situation at all.  He managed to get the trailer back onto the vehicle and reposition it on the leveling blocks.  Then I had to get my two cents in about how to NOT cause the trailer to roll again, which AJ just LOVED to hear.  This resulted in another clenched teeth "meeting" in the campsite much to the delight of the neighbors who must have taken great pleasure in watching the angry body language and frustrated gestures.  The neighbors set up CAMP CHAIRS TO WATCH US.  Yes that is right.  We provided loads of entertainment for at least two campsites full of people.  For an hour and a half. 

Part of the entertainment we provided free of charge: Nick pooped all over the place and fought me to the death when I tried to change his diaper.  Olivia was bouncing off the god-damned walls trying to release energy after two days of being in the car.  The boys found the shut off valves to the sprinkler system as if they have freaking RADAR for plumbing and it was all I could do to keep them away from it and ended with me yelling and threatening them with death.  Nancy was supposed to be coming in behind us but missed the turn in her massive RV and called me to vent and ask me what to do.  She wanted AJ to meet her at the entrance so that she wouldn't get into a situation where she couldn't back out with the massive RV.  I was trying to talk to her and give her better directions, keep Lucas away from the plumbing to the entire campground, keep AJ from killing himself while attempting to level the freaking trailer, clean Nick's poopy ass, and keep the dog from giving me a reason to beat the crap out of her.  And I was doing the pee pee dance because my needs were dead last in this line up.

It all worked out.  AJ got his Mom's tow car disconnected, and got her backed into her site while I watched two of my nieces that traveled with her.  Then he was able to come finish at our site (incident free) so that I could get into the trailer and change Nick, get the kids snacks and start to unpack.  It was a tense afternoon but once I got hold of a beer my mood improved significantly. 

The rest of the vacation went great.  It was so good to see Christina, Nancy and Steve.  The kids loved playing together and they really loved playing in the water. 

Nick landed face first on the trailer hitch which was a bloody mess, but thankfully his teeth are intact.  Lucas fell out of Aunt Christina's trailer and landed on top of his head.  That too, was a little bloody but I'm quickly learning that just because there is a lot of blood doesn't mean there is a serious injury.  Head wounds just bleed a lot.  So until I am able to get a good visual on the injury I am learning not to panic.  I managed to jam my big toe and bleed all over the trailer.  I thought I had broken it at first but I can bend it and the bruising is minor so it is really just a nasty flesh wound. FYI: somewhere in our trailer is a big old chunk of my toe that we never found so if you ever camp with us - keep a look out for that (haha!).  All these injuries made me realize that our first aid kit needs to be beefed up a bit.  Ice packs, trauma pads and non-stick gauze are on the top of the list to add to the kit. 

On the last day at Yuba we got to watch another couple argue and fight over how to handle their trailer.  It was nice to not be the only dumb asses making a spectacle of ourselves in the campground for all to see.  We pulled up lawn chairs and just watched them fight to get their trailer hooked to their truck.  It was funny.  But they weren't nearly as entertaining as we had been.  We like to set the bar high here in the Johnson camp.

Enter the Dog

True confessions of an overly tired and under paid housewife:

Nick was eating a hotdog with ketchup at the table.  He kept standing up in his chair and I kept ordering him to sit down.  Over and over.  And finally, I knew it would happen, he made a mess with the hotdog and ketchup.  It was all over him.  His legs, his face, his hands.  Everywhere. 

I was about to BLOW.  I was super pissed that I was going to have to clean up another mess.  My eyes darted around the room looking for a reason - a distraction to keep me from completely loosing my cool.  There it was.  I saw my reason.  She was sleeping over by the door. 

Enter the Dog: Miss Olivia.

I called her over and she efficiently and thoroughly licked every speck of ketchup off of Nick's hands, legs and face. Yes that's right I said face.  Nick thought it was the best thing ever and giggled and squirmed as she tickled and licked him and Olivia thought it was great that she was allowed to get a taste of ketchup.  I just was thrilled that I didn't have to clean up the latest mess of the day.  It was a win-win.

A Day in the Life

Things I've actually said today:

• Stop fighting! You both can somersault together.
• Get off the dog.  GET OFF THE DAMN DOG!!!
• We shower because no one likes a stinky butt.
• You ARE getting in the shower because you DO have a stinky butt.
• Be nice to the ant, he has important things to do today.
• No I did brush his hair today.  It is naturally like that.
• It isn't nice to drive your truck over his foot, look he's bleeding.  You should apologize.
• Get off the hood of the car NOW.
• Don't make me beat you (said jokingly and met with laughter from both kids)
• Next time you are both going to wear bike helmets!
• I don't know if a spider can throw up.  I've never seen a spider throw up, have you?

Not Good

Well. 

I just found out that my community crime information can be found at this site when I type in my zip code.  So I did it and discovered that a man convicted of sexually assaulting a child lives on the hill above me and overlooks my backyard.  Where my kids and I hang out on a daily basis.  Not that I'm panicking or anything but that little piece of info is good to know. . . .don't ya think? 

Hmmm.  Not the best news I've had today, but it is very good to know.

Oh - and he wasn't there a year ago or even 6 months ago when I checked. 

Pissing Match

Nick scared the heck out of me when I caught a glimpse of his feet.  As it turns out AJ had re-labeled his socks with a purple pen. . . because Nick and Lucas are just about in the same sized clothing and I can't tell whose drawers get what clothing. Lucas is in the 50th percentile for height and weight and Nick is in the 95th for height and 25th for weight. 

And this little GEM of a photo is Lucas posing willingly for a picture and Nick coming at him with his tongue sticking out so that he can spit into Lucas's hair.  I'm not proud people.  Not proud. 













As you can see Lucas doesn't seem to mind this at all.  In fact he (I'm cringing at this admission) loved it and thought it was funny as hell.  He turned and returned the spitting favor by rubbing saliva on Nick's leg.  They both loudly said "EWWWWW!" and giggled about how gross they were being.  Ummm.  FYI.  I don't condone this and am not sure what other tactics I can use to discourage this.  I've tried it all.  And they still love spit.  LOVE SPIT.  Gawd.

I'm about to make wide (and probably false) assumptions about differences in boys and girls but these are just my observations of late - I don't remember ever doing this sort of thing with/to my sister.  When we grew up, sure, we played with mud and climbed trees and I was by many measures a tomboy.  But I don't remember tackling Stella, or spitting on her and sharing a hearty laugh over how disgusting we were.  I vaguely remember some of my (many) male cousins doing and enjoying these things.  I am wholly unfamiliar with boy behavior and think that this type of thing will get them ostracized by other kids.  AJ on the other hand says that I am fighting an uphill battle that I am eventually going to loose.  Boys are naturally gross.  Mine like to identify the types of food they ate in their vomit and feces.  They spit on each other and love it.  They get down on their hands and knees behind the dog and watch the poop coming out of her butt while going "ewwww!".  They are gross.  I love them, and cherish them but they are very different than what I am familiar with.  Am I fighting a loosing battle by trying to civilize them enough that they don't rub body fluids on each other?  I wasn't going to share this but I caught them trying to pee on each other across the toilet bowl the other day. They were apparently both using the toilet at the same time and decided to see if they could "make it" to the other side where the brother was standing.  I heard all the giggling and investigated, where I discovered the pissing match.  I hope I find humor in this in several years.

Them Crazy Swingers

Them Crazy Swingers.  They are blaring their hippy music having a big old party over there.  Good for them.  Livin' life to the fullest, right?  And that Puff the Magic Dragon song they kept playing didn't mean anything right?  Ha!  Puff away my friends.  Puff away! 

I'm getting to know them a bit more and they are pretty cool.  You know.  They didn't seem to mind that Nick was once again buck naked running around the yard grabbing himself and attempting to pee on everything in sight - not unlike a male dog does.  Try and put clothes on this kid.  I dare ya.  It will be the biggest fight of your life guaranteed.  No.  They didn't seem to mind the nudity and genital grabbing at all.  No judgment from them.  So I in turn will not judging them.

Oh the Blinding Fury

Nick threw two full on - NO HOLDS BARRED temper tantrums yesterday.  We are in full two year old mode here where he is the dictator and we are his servants.  If he wants to hit you he does.  If he thinks it would be funny to step on the dog, he does.  If he doesn't want to get into his car seat than it takes five minutes.  FIVE MINUTES of forcibly pushing a little body into the seat only to have him wiggle his arched head and back over three inches so that it is impossible to get the chest strap on and then just when you get his arms under the damned straps and have pushed his chest into the seat his hips fly out and legs kick you in the face - you recoil and have to start again.  Once you get him in the seat he promptly cries so hard he vomits  all over himself and the semi-clean car then falls asleep.  It is 9:45 am and you are finally able to get out of the Wal-mart parking lot.  Oh yes.  This little drama has to occur at child abuse central - WAL-MART.  It will be a long day.  It will be a day for margaritas at 2:00pm.  Because Daddy doesn't come home until Friday and the week is young.

Lucas is in the "why" phase.  It came on suddenly.  Without any warning at all.  Everything is "why".  I LOVE that he is super excited and curious about his world.  I love that his imagination has exploded and he wants to know how and why things are the way they are.  I love that he is smart enough to want to know "why".  However, when he is asking why that kid's shirt is red, or why don't we eat dirt, or why our teeth chew food, or why he can't sit on Nick's head. . . . I want to scream.  Usually the urge to scream is preceded by me patiently answering his questions. . . . question after question after question. . . . for what feels like hours - and then there comes a point where I want to scream.  Just before I do scream he usually makes me laugh by saying this phrase:  "Why Mommy, Why, WHY?"

Now.  Say that phrase as fast as you can and in a cute little kid voice and you might see the humor.  It makes me laugh every time because he sounds so urgent and so intense.  WHYYYYY??  And he kind of sounds like a crazy person too - which is how I feel, so it is doubly funny.  Why Mommy, why why!!??

Because I said so.

Two Thumbs

 Here are the boys clowning around with the camera on the computer. 

Lucas only wanted a picture of his thumb and eventually Nick decided that he needed a picture of his thumb too.  Cute.  Nick's vocabulary is expanding daily and he is up to four words per sentence and is now referring to himself as "I".  As in "I sneezed."  or "I want more." which is neat to see.  We have estimated his vocabulary at between 75-100 words which is good for a 24 month old.  He is also counting up to 6 consistently and to ten sporadically.  Soon we will introduce algorithms.  ;-)

Right HERE

I found my place.  You know that place where you want your ashes scattered or your remains to be buried?  That place.  For the second year in a row we went to the Pecos civil war reenactment which was fun.  But the best part of it was the location, at an old ranch site right by the Pecos River. We spent two nights in an old casita with walls that were at least 18 inches thick, which was good because the temperature topped 100 degrees and it was still a nice 60 degrees inside - with no air conditioning of any sort. 

Which brings me to another point.  WHY the hell aren't we ALL building adobe homes????  The energy savings in both the winter and summer would be mind blowing. 

Alright.  Back to "my spot".  It is down below the casita on the banks of the river.  Beautiful.  It is one of those places where you don't remember if you have any worries or concerns because. . .  ooooo look a dung beetle just went by.  Hey, is that a great blue heron that just landed 30 feet away - it IS.  Now I think instead of wading in the river I might just sit here and watch the heron go fishing.  OR I could go just a little bit down the river and wait for that beaver to come back out and start knawing away at the tree again.  Hmmmm what to do, what to do? 

And in the shade of the casitas' porch it was nice and cool too, and I was able to turn on the sprinklers for the boys to run and play in - because whew it was really hot outside.  Oh - wait?  Is that lemonade in the fridge?  IT IS.  Ahhhh, nevermind, all my worries are gone again.

Nick got a little too hot down at the reenactment while he was off petting the calvary's horses.  So when I got him back up to the casita he had a banana and a capri-sun.  He wouldn't touch the water anymore so I figured fluids were fluids.  And he sat in the shade and recovered for a bit before deciding to play in the sprinklers with Lucas and our friend Joanne's little girl Sara. 

Olivia learned to like the water - she kept sticking her face underwater trying to catch one of the teeny tiny fish.  She never did catch one, but the boys entertained her by throwing sticks in to the current that she chased.

Lucas loved the cannon being fired.  Just before the cannon fired for the first time the crowd that gathered became very quiet and attentive.  Lucas had his ears plugged right along with everyone else.  Just at this moment he decided to loudly (because his ears were plugged so he spoke even louder) declair that he just had "gas come out of my butt, Daddy (who was in uniform) did you hear it?  It was LOUD Daddy!!"

Daddy wanted to melt into the ground.

On the not so pleasant side I loaded up the kids and dog and wandered into town bright and early Saturday morning to locate a cup of coffee (how could I forget that?).  And on the way back a woman was selling fresh donuts at a road side stand.  OMG warm donuts!?!?  24 (tiny donuts) for $4 is a deal I can't pass up so we pulled over. While we were on the road side a pair of very large beautiful male pit bulls ran into the road (40mph speed limit) and one of them was hit and killed - just feet away from me.  The boys got to see that, because Olivia had called their attention to the dogs by barking.  I had never seen an animal die quite like that and it was very upsetting, but thankfully it was a quick death.  The other dog was terrified and ran away.  I learned later that they are frequent escapees from their owner. 

ALSO on the way home today I was cruising down I-25 and in the oncoming traffic a man had stepped into the "slow" lane and was attempting to have someone kill him (75mph speed limit).  The truck that nearly hit him swerved into the fast lane and ended up in the median.  All the cars behind him were screeching to a stop (hopefully they succeeded) and on the on-ramp a car was stopped and a person was running down to the man in the road (presumably to drag him out of the interstate!).  We didn't slow down or stop because that is the last damned thing I needed my kids to see.  The look on the man's face was terrible.  I'm surprised I saw it, but I somehow did.  His face was all scrunched up as if he was crying.  He was so young too.  I was not as shaken by this as I was the dog.  Weird huh?  As my friend pointed out - it was terribly unfair for that man to try to get some innocent person to kill him.  How awful of him to attempt to make another human live with his death on their hands. I don't know about you but I'd need some therapy if I'd have been the one to hit him - assuming I and my family survived the accident at all.  I felt bad for him, but not as bad as I would have felt for the person who hit him.  He was endangering many other lives and their mental health too.  I hope he lived, and I hope that he gets the help that he needs.  Maybe he could go hang out at my "spot" for a while and get some clarity. 

Yes my "spot" is that awesome.  I'm so lucky to have found it.

email me for a link to photos if you are interested.

Words

Lucas doesn't have an "edit" button yet so he thinks any topic is fair game.  In fact the other day he started a conversation with our BRAND new neighbors by saying that he had gas.  He has recently taught Nick to say diarrhea. 

How do you teach a three year old when, where and with whom to talk about certain subjects?  His interest in all things toilet and all body parts involving a toilet are totally age appropriate . . . . but edit.  Where is the mute button? 

(It is taking forever for my pics to download from our trip so I will post them asap.  I know you all are just dying with anticipation!!)  :o)

This Sucks

In true Johnson fashion we have failed to plan our for our upcoming trip camping with AJ's family. We have a limited amount of time to get a TON of stuff done. The most important of which is to get an complete drip irrigation system into the yard before we leave. Our plants will be dead when we get home if we don't accomplish this HUMONGOUS task. Our property is 0.24 acres and while the home takes up a chunk of that, there is still a large area that we have to dig trenches, run pipe, move existing rock, run electrical wire, set drip lines, program timers, ensure plants get adequate water. . . . . OMG!!!!! All in about ehhhh, 8 or 9 days (including weekdays where AJ is not home).

I moved about two tons of river rock yesterday. . . and here is a picture of what ONE of my hands look like - you should see the palm of this hand. I am in pain and miserable but there is no slacking off now. Trenching has only begun and I still have a few more tons of rock to move. I'm cranky and irritable.


Damn us for not planning better. Damn us for sitting on our butts on Saturday night, casually discussing the trip and then realizing with wide eyes that we need to MOVE NOW on this project because time has snuck up on us. Sunday and Monday were spent in planning and the beginning stages of the project. We have hundreds of feet of pipe, fittings, valves etc.

Plus we have a huge list of difficult, time consuming chores that also need to be accomplished before we leave. We need new tires and rims for the trailer. We need a battery for the trailer. We need trailer brakes installed on the vehicle. We need to get the F-ing trailer registered which is proving harder than we expected. Couple that with AJ leaving town for 2 weeks, doctors appointments, AJ getting the flu, and you have the makings of a panic attack for old Kristin.

This is just me venting. I get that everyone is stressed about things and my things probably aren't that terrible. I am just pissy that we are so poor at planning. It is always last minute with us and I hate that it causes unnecessary stress.