Coke, Valentines, Coughs and Barium

I have a lot to update you all on.  It isn't very interesting though. 

First:  7:45
 Upper GI test for me @ the hospital.  I recently had a physical and we need to determine if I have an ulcer (again) or if it is something else  - and an upper GI is part of this process.  I arrive on time and . . . have forgotten to bring my "orders" from my doc with me.  This takes about 35 minutes to resolve.  I nearly start crying because I feel terrible that I have thrown the whole radiology department's schedule off for the morning.  I hear them calling other patients asking them if they can come in early.  My doc had to FAX a copy to the hospital. 

Fax?  Dear Lord are we living in the 80's??  Fax??  Do people still fax?? Really?  Why don't the doc's send electronic "orders" to the testing facility so that this whole situation is avoided - so that I don't have to feel like an ass when I forget my carbon copy (hello 1982) orders?  What about PDF's?  But a fax?  Uggggh.  Our medical system is sad. SAD.  I'm blaming this on them - not me.  haha.

That test is an interesting one.  Chug fizzy drink to inflate stomach - don't burp.  Hold it in.  Now chug mud-like Barium - don't gag, throw up or burp. Big gulps, don't puke.  REALLY BIG GULPS OF MUD - HURRY.  Turn to the side.  Turn again.  Lay down on table, flip, flip, flop.  Turn. Hold it.  Don't breathe.  Swallow more barium while laying on your side.  Hold it don't breathe.  Flip flip flop.  Swallow, swallow, swallow.  Now flip flip flop to distribute barium in your stomach again - arms up.  Arms down.  Pictures. . . faster pictures.  Keep flipping.  Annnnd done.

Next: 10:00
Valentine's party at Lucas's school.  I debated on taking Nick because he's had this really terrible cough.  It is like the whooping cough or something.  He coughs so hard that he looses his breath and turns red with watery eyes.  Sooooo I took him to the preschool with tons of other kids to infect.  Yaayyyy!  I'm such a good citizen.

I am so tired of slighting Lucas just because Nick is deathly ill with some horribly contagious disease.  Nick needs to buck up.  LOL.  But seriously - I really wanted to be there for Lucas - so we went.  As it turns out every kid in that class coughed just like Nick, so the whooping cough must be going around.  I'm totally kidding about it actually being whooping cough. . . FYI. 

Nick coughed on everyone and everything.  Suddenly his cough got 10 times worse when we arrived at school so I looked like the shitty Mom who hauled her deathbed child out to a preschool.

Back story:  On Wednesday I had blood tests done and I had to take the kids with me to the lab.  I bribed them with donuts (once again I'm the model parent) if they were good and didn't start UFC fighting in the phlebotomy lab while I had a needle in my arm and was unable to smack them (p.s. this is why we need shock collars for kids).  We got the donuts because they were super good kids.  With the donuts came a little packet of valentine cards that were coupons for a free donut.  There were 10 cards and Lucas needed 10 valentines for his class.  You see where I'm going here? 

I'm the fabulous Mom who took the FREE valentines cards from Krispy Kreme and gave them to my 4 year old to give to his classmates because we think that Michele Obama's healthy eating campaign is bullshit.  Crap food and whooping cough for everyone!!!

12:00.
Walmart (home of the whooping cough . . . and herpes).  Need to get a birthday present for a four year old little girl.  B-day party starts in one hour.  Kids are living off of the cake and icing they got at the preschool valentines party.  No lunch yet.

1:00
Peter Piper Pizza Birthday party.  I'd promised the kids pizza, they are starving because - SHOCK- cake doesn't keep them full very long.  I distract the kids with all the germ riddled flashy lights and video games at PP Pizza until the pizza is served. 

2:00
"Lunch" arrives in the form of greasy nasty pizza.  Eat up children.  Lunch is served.  The hostess is serving drinks and brings over two kid sized glasses of. . . . CocaCola.  With fancy straws.  Lucas took a sip and made a terrible face.  Nick took a sip and smiled and drank more.  I would have removed the drinks but the barium mud I drank earlier is not sitting well and I was afraid if I moved I'd cause a nasty barium scene.  So I sat there.  Watching my kids drink soda.  Dear Lord I'm in Mommy hell.

Then they ate ice cream.  And then they ate what looked like cake but it had so much pink princess icing on it I'm not sure.

Then I turned and saw the hostess giving her 9 month old a glass of Coke.  She smiled and said (almost proudly) that he was "addicted".  

We finally left and my kids staggered in a sugar coma to the car.  Thank GOD I had something healthy in the crockpot at home.