Other Parents

I am so grateful to all the Mom's in my life who give me great advice and keep me focused on the big picture.

Today Lucas was terribly mean to Nick in the back yard as older children on the other side of the fence encouraged him to be mean.  Lucas thought he was making friends and wanted to please them, Nick didn't understand why Lucas was being mean, and Lucas wasn't thinking about Nick's feelings.

I saw it all go down in my backyard as the neighbor kids hung over the fence.  I got the very deliberate, very low, very quiet voice of a super pissed off Momma and instructed Lucas to say goodbye to his "friends" and come inside.  I told him quietly to go to his room and stay there until I came in there.

I promptly called two people who talked me down off the incredulous, angry rant that I was about to go on.  It wouldn't have done me or Lucas any benefit to yell.  Instead I took the advice I was given and had a calm conversation with Lucas about doing what he knows is right.  I told him that he knows what is right and wrong and that he needs to tell people "no" when they want him to do what he knows to be wrong.

I was also advised to lay on the guilt pretty thick - because he is guilt prone and that is what works for this kid. He was happy that he made friends and thought that it was fantastic that he was able to make them laugh.  He was proud of himself.  He had totally overlooked Nick. A guilt trip sounds mean, but he was laughing about what he did and I needed to get him to realize how wrong he was.

The whole episode really broke my heart.  So I did the guilt thing - which was to tell him that he is supposed to protect and defend his little brother from harm.  He wasn't supposed to cause the harm.  I told him that he needed to be a protective big brother and that Nick looked to Lucas for guidance and protection, not for meanness.  It worked.  Lucas suddenly got sad and realized that what he had done was very wrong and apologized to Nick. 

I really need to start talking with Lucas about how to stand up to people who tell him to do things he knows are wrong.  He is so willing to do anything to please people - he doesn't see that he has the ability to tell his peers "no".   He thinks that everyone he meets is nice and has good intentions - and the children today did not have good intentions.  He is still young though, at four amd I don't know how ready he is to absorb that information.  But we will give it a try.

Any additional advice?  I know this won't be the last time I face this issue.