Don't Mess with Mama

Dear Mother F*@#%ing Spider,

You might remember a few years back, pre-children, I liked you and your relatives. I was not too concerned about you visiting me and my husband in our home uninvited. As you recall I would say hello to you and then gently carry you outside to an area where I thought you would have the most success with your hunting. I didn't own any insecticides and was by all definitions a tree hugger (aka spider hugger). My views of you and your relatives remained unchanged despite a terrible bite from an immature male Apache recluse spider which landed me in the hospital. I forgave everyone involved and continued to be fascinated with your kind and photographed you regularly.

Today dear Spider you crossed the line. Taking up RESIDENCE in my baby's room right by his crib. . . well that is just a little too presumptuous. And then after I politely asked you to get into a safe container so I could transport you outside you had the guts to show me your red belly! What an insult!! And I'll just say it: What a bitch.



So dear Spider I'd like to introduce you to death. Death meet the Mother F*@#%ing Spider, AKA: your newest target.

Spider I recognize that you have evolved into quite a powerful little animal in the millions of years it has taken you to arrive at your present form. You have a wonderfully solid exoskeleton which is very difficult to penetrate. You have venom which allows you to incapacitate your prey and anybody who decides to mess with you. You have an incredibly powerful web, which us humans have yet to be able to compete with.

But there is one thing I have that you don't have. I have the magnificent Chemical Engineers at Dow Agro. And as a result of their hard work this vulnerable human with my soft, easy to penetrate skin now possess chemicals. No longer do I need to flail blindly at you with a wad of towels trying to kill you, and I don't need to try to step on you either. Nope. I can stand far away and spray you. And I did. Tell your friends that the rules have changed. Living with my children is not an option and is punishable by death.