The Zoo, Again

After I was sterilized yesterday, I decided to get the children out for some distraction before the next storm comes through (tomorrow) and makes outdoor activity miserable again. And truly, if I have to play with play dough for one more stinking minute I'm gonna fall off the edge of sanity that I'm teetering on. Everyone was loaded up and off the the zoo by 8:15, which is amazing because just getting them to put their shoes on took 10 minutes.

We had a blast! Thankfully the temperatures were in the 20's when we got there at 9am and the place was completely empty. Some of the animals that are sensitive to the cold were not on display but others were. The animals we did see were active and seemed to be just as happy to see us as we were them. I bet they get bored when there aren't people at the zoo for them to watch.

Oh Hey. If you are ever at a zoo super early and are the only ones there you should try something. Have your young children run quickly past some predator exhibits (just a couple passes) while they squeal - not loud but just a little squealing. I'm totally NOT JOKING. The predators (any large cat, Kodiak bears are really big into this, polar bears, hyenas etc) sit up and watch really intently. This is your best opportunity to get a picture of them with their eyes open and watching you!! We've done this at many zoos and it is awesome. But you have to be early and be the only people around. Otherwise the animals seem a bit over stimulated and don't pay any attention. The exception to this is the Kodiak bears at the San Diego Zoo. They didn't care how many people were around. You would think they would become numb to running children, but noooooooo those instincts are impossible to kill. And this is why we shouldn't keep large predators as "pets".

One time there was a mountain lion that focused so intently on Lucas as he ran past that it ran with him on the other side of the glass. It wouldn't take it's eyes off of him - I mean this cat was super intently focused on our little dude. (This cat had been an illegal "pet" that was hand raised in a home until it was confiscated and placed at the zoo) It was this moment when we realized how true it is that you have to keep your kids within arms length while hiking on trails - without exception. Their size, clumsiness, high pitched voices and propensity to run really trigger that predatory instinct. This is fabulous at zoos, not so fabulous in the wilderness.

Here we are: Bundled up and ready to go


Hippos!! This one was the "Daddy" hippo because he had an "outside pee pee". I've never seen a hippo outside of water so this was pretty cool. All three of them were out on land walking around eating grass and pooping. The kids loved the pooping part.


This crane was pretty pissed off that we were eating crackers right in front of it and we didn't share! We are so rude. It flapped it's wings and yelled at us.


Hyenas. They were excited to see us too. They came over and sniffed the air trying to smell the children as they ran around.


Again, the cheetahs were all about the kids. The one on the left's tail was twitching.


Mmmm. Food.






This time the Mtn Lion and Leopard didn't seem to notice the running, squealing kiddos, but then again there was another really loud family near us.


Hellooooo. I will babysit for free. She sat up to watch us go by.


Me giving the kids important instructions on how to best bait the animals. I know. You don't even need to tell me what a good Mommy I am.


MOOOOOMM!!! POLAR BEAR POOP!!


First a morning poop then a bath. Life is good.


Sleeping. *Sigh* Don't I look so fuzzy wuzzy? Don't you want to come cuddle up in my nice soft fur?


Oooo. Hollllld UP! Are those your KIDS I see darting around? *licking lips (no joke)* Ummm. . . still wanna cuddle? I swear I can overpower my instincts . . .*twitch twitch*


Crocodiles. Rarrr. I bet this dude is pissed off that his water is so clean. It kinda makes floating just under the surface like this pointless. It's hard to launch a surprise attack when we all can see his every move.


Um. Thanks. I'll take this under advisement. It's not like the 12 foot crocodiles chillin' in the crystal clear water would tip me off. . .


MOMMY TRACTORS!!! This was 20 minutes of entertainment. Watching the tractors rip the tree down.

A Little Dose of Birth Control

I've recently learned of two local girl friends who are newly pregnant! Great News! They each have one child and are cooking up siblings! And they are due within 3 weeks of each other. I'm so excited for both of them. And if they are reading this post I hope they stop here. For anyone else thinking of getting knocked up here is a little birth control:

The whining is about to drive me over the edge. It just won't stop. And the fighting. Oh the fighting. Then comes the crying closely followed by more whining. Then something gets thrown across the room. That is followed by a time-out which is accompanied by more crying and whining. Time out ends and immediately someone gets tackled and another argument occurs followed by more whining and crying. Threats of another time-out are met with more crying. Another object is thrown, this time at a sibling. I start yelling because I'm slowly loosing all grip on reality. Then more crying. I decide to desperately call my husband at work so that I can regain my grip on reality. He is understanding and patient with me, but Sugar Daddy has to get back to work. While hanging up the phone I take a plastic dinosaur away from the dog who has been chewing it's head off.

I turn around after getting off the phone and see the snot. Oh my God we have so much snot in this house. It is everywhere. Nick has just finished wiping his nose on my drapes and the strings of snot are hanging there. Lucas has opened the refrigerator and is pouring himself some pedialite which is RED and is now missing the cup. I take a deep breath and dive back into the chaos. It is 10:00 am. Nap time is 2.5 hours away. God help me.

Ummm. Yeah.

I can't take this child in public without getting looks. You should have seen the two old ladies at Target today. They were checking us outttt. . . .

The color is developing nicely isn't it?

Potty Training. For Real This Time

I halfheartedly attempted to potty train Lucas this last summer. Then he had the horrible constipation issues and now completely refuses to go poo on the toilet. So I just gave up right along with him because I didn't want to pressure him. The doctor is the one who told me to back off and I thought it sounded like a great idea for two reasons: I'm lazy and I don't want to deal with potty training.

But now it is getting to the point where Lucas really needs to be potty trained. He pees in the toilet just fine and without assistance but won't poo at all. He's afraid that it will hurt. And I'm rather tired of spending a TON of money on pullups. Oh lord those things are expensive. Today I ordered extra absorbent underwear for potty training.

Snarky Side Note: If I were politically correct I'd call it "potty learning" but I'm not. It's all the same damn thing. I guess people are afraid to say that they TRAIN their children like animals, so they now call it LEARNING. Ooooo. I hate to break it to ya folks but our kids are animals. And so are you. So get over the terminology. Train your animals! hee hee.

The underwear will arrive in 3-5 business days. Lucas is going to get mad that I'm making him wear underwear because he likes the idea of wearing Pullups. He is afraid of having accidents and wants to wear the Pullups "just in case". It breaks my heart that he is so afraid of accidents because neither AJ or I have ever gotten upset or angry or punished Lucas when he's had an accident. We always just matter-of-factly go clean up and don't make a big deal out of it. Why attack his self esteem, right? But he is upset by accidents. So I think I'm going to have to tell him the underwear are extra special "Big Boy PullUps". If we call them PullUps he might be alright with wearing them. (I need to find the right terminology for him. *wink wink* yes I see the conflict and am choosing to ignore it)

Sherbert? Really?

I just read a blog where the parents had named their child Sherbert. Now normally I don't criticize baby names because it is a touchy subject. But Sherbert? Seriously?

All I can think of is sherbert ice cream. And kids at school. . . holy crap can you imagine what little Sherbert (a 5 month old girl) will have to endure? I mean it is one thing to want to be original and all that bullshit but there is a point where you cross a line into cruelty.

I'm gonna be all judgy and self righteous (because it's my damn blog) and proclaim that the name Sherbert is crossing that line.

Update: I just read more of that blog and they had two other girls named Berber and Gerber. I don't even have the words. All I'm seeing is carpet and baby food.

Watch Out for That Table!

My "little" Nick ran straight into the kitchen table tonight. He gave himself a black eye. Ignore the placement of the 1/2 bandaid. We put that there to make him think his eye was all better and it worked. He is still at the age (20 months) where he has trouble pointing directly to the location of the ouchie and this time he kept pointing to his temple so that is where we put the bandaid. We have begun cutting them in half so we don't use so many.

I can't tell you how many photos we took of this kid trying to get a decent picture of his black eye. Seriously we took somewhere between 25 and 30. He wouldn't hold still for photos without the flash and every time we tried the flash it washed him out so much you couldn't see anything.

What'cha Doin'?

A friend of ours is in town and because both the boys seem to have a flu or something similar to a flu I had to stay home with them while AJ went to see Jason. They were going to have lunch at a restaurant. And really I'm not too disappointed because it was AJ and Jason who were buddies so I'm happy to let them have their guy time. But the funny thing is that after AJ left to meet up with Jason he called me from the car and told me he felt compelled to let me know they were going to HOOTERS and that he was sorry. He also added that he was excited to go because he'd never been to one - but that he was sorry if it was going to upset me. And I started laughing because I've always wanted to go to HOOTERS and I was actually happy for him to go. I mean really - I kinda want to go just to be reminded that I too once had a nice rack - prebreastfeeding. He seemed surprised. I would think he'd anticipate this reaction from me because I'm a pretty cool wife . . . most of the time. I do however freak out when people hit on him blatantly right in front of my face. But that funny (in hindsight) story is for another post.

Here are some pics of the kids from last week.




Lucas was supposed to be in quiet time on his bed with only books but I discovered he had hauled his entire garbage truck up onto his bed and was making garbage truck noises when I came in the room. It was so cute I started laughing.

Pictures

Nick decided he didn't want to be outside in the cold planting trees with his Daddy and brother. So he stayed inside and rolled around on the ground with a broom in his hands.


Lucas and AJ outside in the freezing cold trying to get some living privacy into the ground so that maybe in like 5 years they will be big enough to keep the house shaded in the summer - oh and the privacy thing would be nice too.


Nick got into my makeup. He was carefully applying when I found him.

Balance

Do you ever feel a little thrown off balance? Like things just aren't going your way and you are grumpy? That's been me for about three weeks now. I need to get re-centered and re-focused and reminded of what is important. Ahhhh, but how?

Uncivilized

I stopped working to stay at home with the boys 2.5 years ago. When I worked alone in the field for so many years (like 12 years) it wasn't a big deal to let a little gas fly without looking around for people, because there were rarely people around me. I was generally alone outside somewhere. If I had a clogged nose then a "snot rocket" was an acceptable way to deal with the situation. When I was working with people they were "field people" who exhibited the same behaviors I did. Cussing was standard. Peeing outside second nature because there weren't bathrooms - ever. I never worried about my clothing as long as it was functioning to keep me dry, warm and shaded from the sun. I never worried about my footwear (steel toed boots and hiking boots) unless I was breaking in a new pair. My hair was always pulled back and usually under a bandanna or hat. Make-up? Forget about it. I cared about having enough sunblock, water, and food with me. I cared about getting injured far from a road. I cared about mountain lions, wild cattle and sudden lightning storms. I cared about accidentally stepping on rattlesnakes.

But then I had Nick. I got fat and out of shape, stayed home to be with my boys (a circumstance I love and value despite my frequent complaints), and moved. I joined a Moms group and started crafting. My conversations with my new Mommy friends are about normal, regular things like where to find a good sale on groceries, birth stories, boobs, kids, schools/preschools etc. I like having these conversations, I always learn a lot and better yet I'm getting to know the ladies in my neighborhood whose kids are in the same age range as my kids.

Here is the problem. I'm having trouble adjusting. I caught one mom watch me unconsciously pinching my nose with my index finger and thumb then wiping my fingers on my pants. I realized what I had done and how barbaric it must have looked to her and was embarrassed. I keep doing things like this though. I let a fart go at a gathering not long ago and as it was sliding out thought "OH CRAP!!! STOOOOPPPP" but it was too late. Fart released. No turning back. And yes I received a strange look for that episode as well. Not a snotty look. But a look of: "Did you just do what I think you did?"

Yes, yes I did. And I didn't even realize I was doing it until it was too late.

I'm not squatting to pee in the corner of the room. That's progress. I'll keep working on becoming more civilized.

Maybe someday I'll care about not wearing the same shoes everyday all day until they wear out, and I have no choice but to purchase a new pair. Maybe I'll even get fashionable, shoes!! Maybe someday I'll want to own more than one pair! I really hope to be more civilized one day.

P.S. It is a miracle I found a man to marry and stay married to me. AJ is pretty remarkable.

Waiting for the Bus

Would you like some tobasco with that?

Last week a nice man that AJ works with was sweet enough to share with us home grown, organic eggs that his chickens had produced. And I thought to myself that maybe one day I'd like to get a couple chickens so we could have eggs that were pure, natural, safe. . . you know, all that earthy crap that we all want.

I was once again attempting to be Joan Cleaver this morning and was making scrambled eggs for the kiddos. Cracking eggs, dumping them into a bowl for mixing. That was the plan. I looked down in my pre-caffeine delirium and this is what I saw:



And the first thought that entered my head was this: damned earthy people. (forget that I would like to think of myself as one of them - I was cussing us all out.)

Here. Let's all get a better look post-caffene of what was in that bowl.



Blood. Baby chicken blood.

Here's the thing. I don't want to be reminded in the wee hours of the morning while I'm trying to get my Cleaver on, that I am cracking open what could be a fertilized egg containing a teeny tiny undeveloped baby chicken. Peep peep. And I certainly don't want to find myself looking and poking through the bloody goop trying to identify any baby bird parts.

Again. I realize I'm taking this too far. But can you blame me?

Four eggs waisted. There is no way in hell I'm gonna cook that up and serve it to the kids.

Now I just want my store bought, caged, antibiotic, hormone fed unbloodied chicken eggs. Thank you very much. Keep your burgeoning farmer home grown chicken eggs to yourself - I appreciate the thought.

Oh hey . . . on another completely separate subject. . . I'll be giving away a shit load of vegetables this summer from our veggie garden, so start looking forward to organic veggies!! I'll do my best to pick off all the tomato worms before I give them out, but I might miss the teeny tiny worms.

Stop drooling.

Nevermind

Nick fell asleep tonight in my chair, a full two hours before bedtime. He was watching Blues Clues (thank Allah for that magnificent lifesaver!!) because nothing else was making him happy. He had to miss his nap time today because I had a last minute Dr. appointment. Poor guy. It is adorable stuff like this that make it all worth while. Although I should mention that 30 minutes before I got this picture I could have put devil horns on him and you would have really believe he was the devil. He was being a little monster.

One day I'll miss this. I'll look back and wonder how I got through it alive, but I'll be nostalgic.

This baby rasin' is a hard business.

So Far This Week is Crap

I am having a bad week. It is Tuesday. I'm screwed.

AJ is out of town until hell freezes over, the kids are not feeling too great and neither am I. Nick fell off the counter top last night, Olivia got aggressive with Lucas today. Now I have to work with Lucas and the dog so that she realizes that she is on the bottom of the totem pole, not Lucas. And did I mention that I'm a single mom until the end of March? I did? Ok good.

To top it all off today on the way to take Lucas to his Dr I had a piercing pain in my chest and left arm. The next 5 hours my arm was tingly and weird feeling. Hmmm.

Back story: My heart frequently does weird things, misses beats, speeds up, slows down etc. I had it looked at in 2004 when it soared above 180bpm and I couldn't get it to come down. The cardiologist at the time wanted to thread a catheter up my femoral artery all the way up to my heart so he could burn one of the nodes (can't remember if it was the SA node or the AV node) and stop the crazy rhythms. I told him that was too invasive and that I didn't want to do it.

Here we are, 6 years later and I occasionally still catch my heart doing strange things. I haven't been worried. The cardiologist told me it wasn't life threatening, but that at some point I'd want the procedure. Last night my heart was jumping around and it kept me awake for about a half hour before I fell asleep.

So when I got the chest pain, arm pain and tingling I was on edge. I called my Dr and they evaluated me and told me it was probably indigestion. My blood pressure was low and my heart rate was normal. They offered an EKG but the kids hadn't had lunch (it was 1:00) and were barely holding it together in the office. So I declined.

But now I am worried. Now if I were to go back in time to 2004 I'd have had that procedure. Now I am home alone with two little kids who need a Mommy. I mean - all the worst case scenario things are going through my head. What if I'm one of those women who has a sudden cardiac arrest at the age of 31? It happens.

I know I'm over reacting. I am really good at making a big deal out of nothing. I just think things would be better if AJ didn't have the travel schedule he does or if we lived closer to family. I'd have been able to get that EKG today, I'd not have to work 16+ hour days, and I'd have a real live adult to talk to and hug every morning and evening.

Did I mention I might be PMS-ing? That might explain some of the drama above. :)

Here's another pretty flower picture to perk me up:

Something to Anticipate

It is cold, dark and . . . cold today. It's supposed to be like this all week. On top of it all we seem to all be a little sickly too. I thought some flower pictures would make me feel a little better. These are both native Bouteloua grasses in bloom. I am looking forward to warm weather and flowers.

Who's the Bitch Now?

Our doggie, Miss Olivia, has tons of energy as any 9 month old puppy should. Our neighbors have a dog named Chaco and he gets along well with Olivia. Often when Olivia is driving me crazy I will put her into Chaco's yard so they can wear each other out. Here is an action sequence that is pretty typical of their play:

Hump hump hump, bite the ear


Get him onto the ground, cast an evil glance, and prepare to wrestle


Wrestle wrestle GRRRR.


Go for the throat, pretend to kill


Pause, for more humping. Bark out (in dog language) "WHO's THE BITCH NOW??"


wrestle, wrestle, grrrrr again


pause for more humping, this time with wild animal-like expressions: Grrrrr


Just what you were hoping to see: Our dog getting freaky with the neighbor dog. You. Are. Welcome.

What can I say? I think it is pretty funny.

Mud Work

Lucas informed me that he had some "important work" to do in the yard. So I dressed them in warmer clothes and threw them in the backyard so they could "work". Apparently the important work involved stirring mud and moving mud. Very important indeed. And very fun.

Movie?

What movie does this picture remind you of?

Snow and Clean Potties

We purchased a small potty for Nick who has been insisting on going on a toilet. It seemed like a good idea at first but now he just uses the opportunity to sit and explore his body (*ahem* Supervising this toilet activity should be a Daddy duty!) and not to actually go to pee pee.

It never occurred to me that putting a potty seat into the dishwasher was a gross or even a bad idea. I honestly hadn't considered another way of cleaning it since the water gets so hot and essentially sterilizes everything. However Lucas pointed out that potties don't belong in the dishwasher, and it made me realize that maybe he was right. But in my defense I always thoroughly rinse the potty out and it has only had pee pee in it - never a poo poo. And as a side note: When in the hell did I start talking like a child? Pee pee? Poo poo?


Here is a desperate and successful attempt to entertain the kids with bubbles in the sink. It was too cold out the other day to go outside so we made bubbles in the sink. This incredible fun lasted for over an hour!!!


Nick is all about eating the snow. He was grabbing clumps of it and eating it. So cute.


I had to FORCE this beautiful child to hold still for this picture. But it was worth it.

Crapalanche

I should start by explaining about my former job. For two summers in college I cleaned public restrooms for the National Park Service. It was a great job (no joke). I met AJ while working there and I had a great boss. He was fairly meticulous and would check my work on a regular basis by running a finger along the top of the stalls (looking for dust) or by inspecting the plumbing beneath the sinks to ensure that they were shiny and dust free. I liked the job because I had an incredible amount of freedom to wander around a spectacular National Park mingling with visitors and also because I was able to see the immediate results of a job well done.

As a direct result of this job to this day I am super picky about public restrooms. I look to see if they wipe the walls, scrub the grout etc. I can't stand it when people who maintain public restrooms don't put in a little elbow grease because it makes a huge difference. This little anal retentive streak has carried into my own home where I think nothing of spending an hour in the bathroom cleaning all the little things. Is the handle on the door spotless? Light switch wiped off? Top of the shower curtain rod clean? Water spots removed from shower fixtures? And so on and so forth.

I am not, however, anal about any other place in the house. In fact today I was a terrible victim of a crapalanche. It is like an avalanche but instead all your crap that you have piled up falls on you and traps you. I was trapped in my garage. The kids were in the house where I had left them for TWO SECONDS (I SWEAR TWO SECONDS!) to run out to the freezer in the garage to grab some frozen turkey for dinner. We are making chili in case you were wondering.

Once I unburied myself and was able to crawl out and over all the shit back to the door I discovered that the smallest child, who I'm too pissed at to name, locked the door. I was locked out. Bastard.

I found myself banging on the door and begging Lucas to come unlock the door. He did. Sweet angel that he is. And when I opened the door with my hard won frozen turkey, the child that shall remain nameless was standing there laughing at me. LAUGHING. Grrrrrr.

Here is the scene of the incident. Notice the plastic bins on the right? Those fell on me after the giant mound on the other side of the car (which you can't see) also fell on me. I fell down and was literally buried under all of my crap. This is the kind of thing that happens to hoarders right?? They get buried alive in their homes? Yeah.


After some analysis I have decided that the problem is not that I piled things precariously on top of each other it is that I didn't have enough room to pass by the heaping mounds of crap. I made the mistake of bumping into them and causing them to further destabilize, thus falling on me. In the future I will have to leave more room between the car and the crap.