New Pants Needed

What's that in your pants, there, Kristin? 

 Do you have a big load in your pants?  It's hard to tell because they are so baggy. 

 Those are some serious Mom jeans.  So, all of your pants are like this? Frumpy, saggy and falling down?

 Oh my.  What happened to your butt?  Does it exist?

 Whoa.  There is a lot of extra material there.  It is bunching up  . . . almost as if you have something extra in there.  Not that you do.  It just looks that way.

Time to get some new pants. 

Bully

I went to our HOA meeting the other night.  I had a few concerns about their budget that I wanted to address with the board and we were voting on a new board.  Most of the people I see in our neighborhood are in their 30's or 40's with a family.  I really don't see too many heads of house outside of this age range.  But at the HOA meeting I was easily the youngest person there, most of the people were retiree age and in their 60's and 70's.  I think that is a product of the timing of these meetings - so many people work all day and can't attend meetings because they are feeding and getting their kids to bed. 

There was one other person I knew in the room of about 100 or so people.  Afterward I asked her if I seemed like a bully and she said no, but my memory remembers it going something like this:

My suggestion to cut the budget significantly by eliminating paper bills in the mail and instead require electronic (far far far less expensive - like $80,000 less expensive) billing was not well received by the predominately geriatric crowd.  They seem to like to get a eco-unfriendly newsletter in the mail and a paper bill in the mail and they also like to pay 42 cents to mail a paper check back in the mail. . . MY GOD it all seems so antiquated. 

The topic of the "social committee" comes up.  The proposed budget allocates them $2500, an increase from the $350 in 2010. 

I stood up and said this:  I appreciate that we have a social committee and feel it is valuable for community building, however if the committee needs money for events they should get the money through fundraising and not from the HOA budget. 

President of the HOA:  (turns to his board members and quietly says something to them)

Me: I don't think I should pay for something that needs to be paid for through fundraising.

President of the HOA: So you are going to get involved?

Me:  No.  I think the $2500 is way too much of an increase, considering you claim you were "forced" to raise our monthly dues. 

At which point I sat down because I had nothing more to add - and hate it when people in public discussions keep saying the same thing over and over and the conversation never moves forward - I didn't want to be one of those. . . but at the same time I wasn't very articulate with my concerns.  That is a chronic problem for me. . . if you haven't already noticed.

Later in the discussion the Chairwoman of the social committee stands up and many people applaud her.  She is apparently a hero for all of her efforts - and really she probably is a fantastic woman.  She selflessly volunteers her time and energy to make our community better - which I am not willing to commit to doing.  So good for her.  Unfortunately her events are only attended by a few families (out of 3100 homes) by her own admission.  She had an ice cream social at 7:30 at night so the adults of the community could get together - but of course most people here are younger families and 7:30 is wayyy too late. So no one came.  Things like that are what we are funding.

She stands up and I see that she is really old and very frail looking and now suddenly I am the asshole who attacked this old sweet woman's efforts (I didn't even know who she was - just that a committee chair asked for and received a $2500 budget).  She gets to the microphone and squints into the audience looking around.  She then says:  "I can't focus with my right eye, so that is why I'm looking around like this.  But to the woman that stood up earlier and said we need to do fundraising. . . ."

Ahhhhh F*#%.  I'm totally F*#%ed.  She can't even see me and I want to take all her funding away. 

All I can do is raise my hand SO SHE CAN FIND ME, and smile sweetly at her . . . because if I looked anything other than sweet and caring I'd be ruthlessly attacked by everyone in the room, I'm sure. 

She was very sweet to me, the asshole who doesn't feel she should get funding for her selfless efforts at community building, and she said "I strongly encourage you to get involved, we can always use people to help on the social committee." 

Whew.  I got off easy.  She could have ripped me a new one, but she is way too classy for that, which I appreciated.

I wanted to get up and say that I have no interest in being involved in this but I do have an interest in my fees being raised for fluffy expenses like poorly attended ice cream socials.  But I wisely stayed seated. 

Anyway.  My friend who was there said that my recollection of things is far worse than it actually was.  I hope she is correct.  I hope I'm not the community jackass who is attacking old, frail women who can't see very well. 

Things I've Said in 48 hours

• Guys, put the lid on the toilet tank back on.
• Guys, who pulled the float out of the toilet tank?
• Yes now the water won't stop running.  That's why we need the float in there.  Where did you put it? 
• Boys, leave the toilet plunger alone.  No you can't put it in the kitchen sink.  Put it away.
• Lucas,  DO NOT pull a chair over with someone sitting in it, you will hurt your brother.
• Nick what do you think the growling hissing cat was trying to tell you?  Now stop crying and don't mess with the kitty.
• Nick?  Did you hit that little boy?  Use your words.  Why are you both crying?  Somebody stop crying and tell me what happened. (still don't know what went down)
• Yes butternut squash are sort of like pumpkins
• Lucas stop trying to take the computer screen apart, you will break it. 
• Lucas did you find all the screws to the blender?  Will you please put the blender back together?
• Nick, string cheese is not dinner.
• Nick stop spitting.  Nick STOP SPITTING.
• No you can't have another apple, you only ate the skin off of this one.  Finish this one and then you can have another one. Why are you crying?  This is the best part of the apple.
• Put the cat down.
• Why are you walking around with only one arm in your shirt sleeve?  Aren't you cold? Seriously put your other arm in your sleeve.
• Don't copy your brother.  Both of you use your shirt sleeves. Fine.  Get cold. 
• HEY!!! Stop smothering your brother.
• Put my couch back together.  Why are the cushions in the closet?
• Don't throw ice at each other!
• Nick why are you scooting across the floor like that?
• Nick if you poop in your diaper you need to tell me instead of sitting in it and scooting across the floor. 
• Yes it is warm.  Ok.  I can see how it would feel like a big booger but you still need a clean diaper. (he really said it felt warm like a big booger)
• DO NOT PUT THE DOG LEASH ON YOUR BROTHER.

Playing Outside

Good Advice Bad Delivery

Some of you may have seen on Facebook that we went to the Pediatric Dentist today.  And it didn't go very well. 

The kids were excellent and got their teeth cleaned and were perfectly behaved.  Nick's teeth indicate that he sucks on his BaBa.  So the hygienist gave me a pretty stern 1/2 hour lecture, as she cleaned, about the BaBa and different methods to get rid of the BaBa.  I took her advice to heart and decided that she was right, we need to get rid of the BaBa because I don't want it to do permanent damage to his mouth.  In my defense he really only sucks on it when he's tired and going to sleep.  But it doesn't matter, it needs to go.  Fine. 

Then the doc comes in and sees that Lucas has cavities.  So she asks me about Lucas breastfeeding and wants to know if I breastfed for very long, did we breast feed while cosleeping, does/did he sleep with a bottle, sippy cup, blah blah blah.  FYI he stopped breast feeding at 8 months, no he didn't cosleep past 4 months of age, never could get him to take a bottle, yes he does/did have sippy cups but mostly with water - rarely with anything else, yes he sleeps with a water bottle at night. 

Long story short, she didn't believe that he only sleeps with water, and didn't believe that he didn't go to bed with a bottle.  It is one thing to tell someone a white lie and them not believe you.  But it is a whole other deal when you have been completely honest and you are not believed.  I was convicted of sending my child to bed with milk/soda/black tar heroine in a bottle (that he never learned to drink out of) because he had a cavity behind his front tooth.  I don't know how it got there.  We brush daily.  We floss (I was told flossing was a complete waste of my time, and my time would be better spent folding laundry). 

Exact words: Folding laundry. 

Anyway.  The lecture continued and continued and at one point I remember noticing that I had gone from an open and receiving body posture with appropriate smile, to a frown, arms and legs crossed back literally pressed against the wall with a lump in my throat as I swallowed back tears. 

The lecture on Nick's Baba included her showing me in Lucas's mouth how I had narrowly avoided pre-adult teeth orthodontic work by removing his Baba in the nic of time. See these top canine teeth?  They nearly sucked in behind the bottom canine teeth.  Classic Baba use.  You were lucky. Nick's mouth is at risk.  And then I listened to another looonng lecture on how we need to get the baba away today, we can blame it on her, and that  "It will take three days to get him to forget about the binky, but soon you will hear what he has to say, and you might like to know what he's thinking rather than him sucking his thoughts away."

So basically she thinks that I give him the baba to shut him up.  To keep Nick quiet because Mommy needs to do her hair and doesn't like noise.  I apparently don't care to hear what my child wants to say because every time he opens his mouth I imagine she thinks I shove the Baba into it.  What a terrible and offensive suggestion. 


The look on my face was probably a mix of horror at what a terrible Mommy I clearly am and a mix of sadness.  I asked what Lucas's next appointment would be like because he would be getting a cap over his molar and his cavities filled.  She explained what would happen and that I wasn't to tell him anything, they would prepare him as he went back to get the work done.  Makes sense.  They are pediatric pros who are experienced in getting kids to cooperate and have good experiences. 

And the kicker.  Here's what nearly sent me over the edge.

Then she asks me if Lucas is a lot like me temperament wise. I said yes. She then asked if Nick was like his Dad, laid back and relaxed.  I said yes she was right.  She then turned to her assistant and said "Look how concerned she looks." And turned back to me with a smile - she intended for me to hear and intended it to be funny.  Of course I'm concerned for my four year old kiddo.  And no, it isn't funny.  Five hundred dollars is not funny to me. 

My experience in her office was not funny to me.  She was good with the kids but very insulting and offensive to me.  I pay the bills.  We won't be going back.

Moral of the story:  I believe she was right about the Baba.  It needs to go.  But the way she delivers her message is lacking in a major way.

Bleeepity Bleep Bleep Bleeeeep!!

(That was me cussing like a sailor)

 Do you see this?  I was not warned about this.  The dog is wandering around from window to window and then glancing at me as if to say "Umm Mom, there is white shit falling from the sky."  Yeah.  I know.  I see it. 

30 minutes ago I got some cool cloud photos.  The sky was beautiful, blue and the clouds kicked ass.  
Then BAM.  White shit. 

But there is hope. I see blue skies on the horizon again.  Hopefully the white shit was a passing phenomenon.  I realize that I am wayyy  more upset about this than a normal, rational person should be.  I see that I'm acting a bit crazy.  I'm just ready for some 32+ degree weather.  I just want my toes to be warm again.  I live in New Mexico and I feel entitled to some warmish weather. 

Backyard Fun

It finally got into the 30's today so we decided to head out into the balmy weather and enjoy the 34 degree sunshine!  A month ago I would have bundled the kids in the thickest jacket and gloves I could find for this kind of weather. . . but for some reason today it didn't seem as cold as the thermometer indicated.  I guess the folks in Alaska would probably laugh at me for calling -2 degrees (last night low temp) cold.  It is all relative I guess.

 A two year old moment.  It passed quickly.

Do You Have Underwear Too?

It's coooolllld out there.  Too cold for a bundled up park visit.  So we went to a fast food indoor play area because little boys have energy and crafting just isn't going to wear them out.  And I'll be honest.  I'm not above the occasional fast food lunch in the name of sanity. 

There were other little kids there.  One little girl came up to us as soon as we got there and she introduced herself as Maddie.  She said "I'm Maddie and I'm four, will you come play with me?"  Ahhhh.  That is the type of kiddo I love to meet.  What a love. 

Lucas was taken off guard by such a self assured little darling and he didn't respond.  I had to tell him what to say so that he wasn't rude.  He repeated what I told him, and off they all went to play.  Maddie had a little brother who did not want to play with Nick.  So Nick played with Maddie and Lucas.  

 I didn't catch the whole conversation, but I over heard Lucas up wayyyyy in the top of the play structure, out of my sight, say to Maddie "I have underwear, do you have underwear too?"

"LUCASSSS!!!  GET DOWN HERE!" 

Lucas slid happily down the slide and came trotting over to me as Maddie's father tried to cover his laughter up with his hands.  He hasn't whipped his wee wee out in a very long time but with a four year old I can't be sure it won't happen again.

I had a brief and hushed discussion with Lucas about people not discussing underwear with each other.  He happily nodded and said "I need to get back to playing with Maddie Mommy!"

Off he went again. 

 I think he is still trying to figure out who is toilet trained and who is not.  He kept asking me which children at the play area had diapers and who used the potty.  So I think he's trying to sort out ages and who knows what.  There is still so much to learn and to understand. 

Just the other day Nick took a visiting 2 year old little girl into his room, closed the door and turned the lights off so they could jump on the bed.  I head the door shut and immediately investigated.  They were giggling as they jumped on the beds.  I told Nick that he isn't allowed to have a girl in there with the door shut and lights off ever.  He needs to go to college first. 

They both just stared at me.  I thought I was funny, anyway.   Too bad my audience was too young to get the joke. 

That's it.  Still cold.  Hoping warm up above freezing tomorrow. 

The House of Germs, Laxatives and Motorcycle Murders

Sinus infection update:  Still horrible.  Still disgusting.  Still getting worse if that's possible.  I've been trying the Netti Pot in desperation.  Let me say this: It is very odd to willingly fill your nose/sinuses with water.  Think I may have to cave in and go back for more antibiotics.  Hate antibiotics. 

AJ eye infection update:  Still ugly enough to make me consider sleeping on the couch just to get away from it.  The damn thing is so gross - sometimes I think his eye is waving at me across the room.  He is still taking his Rx  . . . . but damn.  Damn. It reminds me of the dude on Something About Mary.  Yeah.  Damn.

Snotty nose(s) update: Gooey.  Very gooey.  Often find boogers in hair, on cheeks, on chins, on arm sleeves on brother's back.

 Maya (cat) has an ear infection/fungal infection.  Yuck.  Thankfully we have an awesome vet who decided NOT to culture the swab ($$) but to give us a medication to treat everything at one time - just in case.  Let me just say that fuzzy gray stuff in a cat ear is sooooo shocking to find.  I actually recoiled.  I don't get disgusted that easily (except by AJ's eye infection that keeps waving at me across the room).

Whoa.  That's a whole lotta lip there.

In other news, I've discovered that I'm awesome at Wii archery and am really terrible at Super Mario Bros motorcycle racing. In fact I admit that I'm a really poor looser that demonstrated TERRIBLE sportsmanship by intentionally running AJ off the road because he was a full lap ahead of me. In my defense he was a show-off that deserved to have his motorcycle run off of that cliff. Anyway. He lost that race and I won all because I was smart enough to lay in wait on the side of the race track. ;-) Thankfully the kids were in quiet time and did not witness this . . . .

 I Skyped with my sister yesterday, it was really good to see her and the kids loved to see her too. They showed her all of their Christmas presents which she oohhh'd and ahhhh'd over.

The children have decided to go on a poop strike.  They are being loaded up with Pediatrician approved laxatives.  Soon we will have poop again.  I am not afraid to go in and get it myself, if needed. 

Motherhood has certainly changed me.  I would never have guessed I'd be demanding poop from my children.  Poop Dammit!!!

Speaking of poop.  Nick, up until the great poop strike of 2011, would loudly announce that he's going to "go puoooop".  He would say this as he tucked a small book under one arm and marched off to the play room and closed the door for "privacy, mommy, privacy."  It is so cute.  If I were a good Mommy I'd grab his little self and plop him onto the toilet for some toilet training.  But here's my take on this:  He's 2.  He's only two.  And I'm in no hurry to potty train.  I know Nick, and Nick is going to hit the ripe old age of 3 and decide that he wants to do what everyone else does: sit on the potty.  Until then I'm not about to turn up the heat on the potty training.  And besides.  I'm not allowed (says Nick) to interrupt his privacy while he's puuuooooping in the play room.  A little man needs his space.  I've gotta respect that, especially if I expect him to respect my privacy in the bathroom.

My New Toy

I got a very fancy scanner for Christmas that allows me to scan film (I have sooo much film) and convert it to digital copies. 

It.
Is.
Awesome.

My wedding photos were taken about 6 months before you had the option of getting digital versions so all of my photos are on film.  It worked out to my benefit because I am able to scan a fairly high resolution photo from the film, but the original digital copy (had I gotten one) would have been fairly low quality by today's standards. 

And now I'm a scanning fool. To make it even better. . . included in the box with my super deluxe scanner was a copy of Adobe Photoshop Elements. 

Hell yeah bitches.  You heard me.  I am able to not only scan them. . . I can edit too. 

If any of my friends have old film they would like to convert to digital copies. . . I'm totally open to you coming on over to Casa de Kristin and scan away.  Or I can scan it for you. 

I'm so happy I can get copies of my pictures now. . . and not risk some 18 year old meth addict developer at the Methmart photocenter messing up my irreplaceable film. 

I reduced this photo resolution for the ol blog but I could easily get 8X10's or 11X14's if I wanted. Notice I was able to keep the flowers colored?  Pretty cool stuff for this housewife.  I'm super excited to FINALLY get Photoshop. 

But let's just back up a moment.  Look how YOUNG I AM. 

This was only in 2002.  Ahhhhh, memories.  I need to run out and get some more wrinkle reducing age defying moisturizer. 

Hey Good News!!

In true Kristin fashion, for the last week I have been misdiagnosing myself via Google with every worst case scenario imaginable. 

My Symptoms:  Headache, extreme fatigue, muscle weakness, headaches, dizziness, confusion, insomnia.

My Google Diagnosis options:  Mini strokes, brain tumor, hormonal imbalance, poisoning.

My Actual Diagnosis:  Poor reaction to antibiotics.  Different antibiotics needed.

I have got to stop Googling everything.

Merry Christmas

Making Cookies

My guys were sooo cute in the hats that Grammy and Pop gave them.  Now that's funny right there.

Making Cookies from Kristin Johnson on Vimeo.

Holy CRAP

Every once in a while, I decide to freak out about something that is really not worth freaking out about.  This is one of those times.  Now let me qualify my first sentence by saying that I do have a very good reason to be concerned and to take action, but I shouldn't be freaking out like I am.

I saw this article on CNN today.   My city is NUMBER 8.  We are 7 spots down from the highest level tested in this study. 

AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

Wait.  Deep breaths. No not working.

AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

Ok.  My knee jerk reaction is OF COURSE to run out and get a multi-million dollar whole neighborhood reverse osmosis with ion and carbon blabitty blabbittty blahhh blahhhhhh thingimigigga.   And throw another one in so that the school will have its own dedicated reverse osmosis with ion and carbon blabitty blabbittty blabbitu thinganimigigga - because Lucas will be there next year and all that jazz.

I really, REALLY should have paid more attention in Chemistry.  ALL four years of chemistry I spent in college have left my brain and have been replaced with correct Tylenol dosage rates based on weight for small children.

Money well spent. Thanks Mom and Dad for sending me to college for FOUR years so that I can use my education to NOT overdose your grandchildren.  Oh- our drinking water - you ask?  Yeah, um, well you see Mom and Dad, I figure the city and those folks take care of that. 

Wha????  Wha tchu talkin' bout - they don't test for a major and widely known carcinogen (thank you Erin Brockovich for being a badass)???

Gastrointestinal Tumors?  Naaaahhhhh.  I don't believe it.  Not in America.  Right?  Right?

Hmmm.  This ain't cool people.  Not cool at all.

http://www.ewg.org/tap-water/getawaterfilter  This is the site I've been checking out to learn about water filters. 

DID YOU KNOW that Brita filters don't take nearly as much out of your water as a PUR filter? 

Verwwwy Interwesting. 

Oh and one more thing:

Dear EPA, 
Please pull your head out of your antiquated ass and update the water quality standards so that the citizens that pay your salary will be better protected and won't have panic attacks over hexavalent chromium.  If you were doing your job hexavalent chromium would not be in my vocabulary. 
-Kristin

Green Beans?

This hardly seems like the season to find really super duper good fresh green beans in the store.  I always thought of green bean season in the late summer.  For the last 5 summers or so, I've been anxiously scanning the produce sections for a crisp semi straight unblemished green beans.  Five years.  It could be that my standards are just too high or that I'm looking at the wrong stores, or that they do actually have the best selection in the winter. 

So you had to read all of that, to find out that today. . . I found them.  The perfect green beans.  I'm picky because I need straight and crisp ones for canning.  Taaaa Daaaaa!!!! Pickled green beans.  Mmmmm.

The boys, as you can see, wanted to help snip the ends off with a knife so they used their kid butter knives to help.  It was so cute to see them putting the pieces in the correct bowls.  They loved stuffing the jars with the green beans too.  Although, Lucas took a whiff of the fresh dill and recoiled with a wrinkled nose.  "It is so stinky Mom." 

Speaking of Lucas quotes, here are a couple from today.  Please keep in mind that the first one is embarrassing for me because I don't want to admit that he may have heard this around the house.  However I want to remember it because some day they will be super funny and I won't be embarrassed. 

AJ was wrapping presents and Lucas stole the tape and walked away.
AJ: Lucas bring that back, aren't you going to stay and help me?
Lucas: Daddddyyyy, don't be such a pain in the ass.

Do you see why I cringed?  It was REALLY funny and cringe worthy at the same time.  I do need to watch what I say now more than ever though.  Next up:

AJ's suitcase has been sitting in our bedroom for two days and he didn't open it to unpack it.  I always bug AJ to unpack so I can wash all his clothes but recently have given up and not said anything about it to him.  He will unpack when he gets to it.  So Lucas went into our room and began to unzip and pull the dirty clothes out. 
AJ: Lucas what are you doing?
Lucas: I'm doing what you have not been doing.

That kid is full of one-liners lately.  So if you  see a bunch of Lucas quotes on here more frequently it is just because he is hysterical. 

Speaking of Nick.  He is a dictator.  In a cute lovable, cuddly way.  He lifts his shirt up and orders you to say hello to his belly button.  "Say hello to my belly button!!"  You had better comply or else he will persist until you begin to beat your head on the counter tops. 

Also Nick is learning new boundaries by having to clean up messes he deliberately makes.  Case in point:  AJ asked Nick to go throw the empty pretzel bag away and instead he turned the bad upside down and dumped pretzel crumbs all over the carpet and then threw the container on the ground.  Then he walked away.  I then MADE a limp and screaming Nick pick up the bag and take it to the garbage.  THEN we forced him to get the vacuum and clean up his crumbs.  The battle rages on. 

However Nick is also all about the tickle too.  He will walk up and lift his shirt up and order you to tickle him.  "Tickle me all over.  TICKLE MOM.  TICCCCKKKKLLLLEEEE!"   It is adorable, but we really need to work on some manners.

Snow Snow Snow

Building a snowman



Mr. Cuddle Bug

 

Mr. Blue Eyes

 

Coming over to see Momma

One big ball coming up!




The finished product



One creepy gate keeper snowman . . .

Friday!!

Friday!!  It is a snow day for the schools.  I'll try to post some pics of the kids in the snow. 

I'm a little sad for Lucas because his class has been practicing for the school production tomorrow where the kids all sing for the parents.  It looks like it will be cancelled.  He's going to be really sad.  He has been practicing his songs for a week now.  We might try to do something extra special for him so he doesn't feel so sad.

And we were able to Skype with my parents for a while today which was really nice.  They were doing good and the boys showed them the tree (again) and Nick needed to show them his belly button (again) and Lucas was excited to show them the boogers in his nose.  They did what grandparents do best and they were extra excited for all of the items they were shown.  The boys were really super duper happy to see them again.  Of course we can't wait to see them in person. Until then thank goodness for Skype!!  I wish all my family would be willing to give it a try. . . hint hint.  ;-)

My Husband Is My Hero

AJ swooped in this evening, home early from his trip, and saved the day!  I am so grateful for him.  Nick has beaten me DOWN this afternoon and evening.  He is in full two year old "it's all about me and you all will suffer with me until I get what I want, when I want it and how I want it." 

We had a great day prior to Nick's meltdowns.  We took off to the Santa Fe Children's museum and had a fabulous time there.  In case you all were on the edge of your seats: they did in fact restock the worm bin since our last visit.  You are welcome for that update.  haha.

They also changed up the activities and displays which was nice and we had a freakin' blast playing with gravity and special scissors, train tracks, bubbles and pulleys.  Yes pulleys.  For parents who have engineer minded children the pulley section will be an enormous hit as it was for my "advanced" offspring.  How do you play with gravity, you ask?  Well let me tell you. . .  kidding.  Kidding.  I will spare you the details.

Oh. My. Gosh.  I'm once again laughing at myself because of course, I'm totally kidding about the advanced thing.  I love Love LOVE to make fun of parents that get off on labeling their children like that.  It is so fascinating to me . . . . maybe I'm advanced too.  Bahhhahahahahaha!!!  Seriously, I'm freakin' on a roll here!

So we might get a membership there this year instead of at Explora.

Then Nick missed a nap and the afternoon went straight to hell . . . until AJ swooped in to take over while I hid from the screeching and whining in my bed under the covers.  He is handling Nick far, far better than I would be at this point.

Oh.  Wait . . . . now Lucas is freaking out.  They are both so tired.  And here I lay.  In bed.  On the computer.  Totally lazy and not going to help my sweet hubby.  Seriously.  My hero.  He lucked out too because I used my "advanced" brain to educate his "advanced" children all day and due to the extreme amount of energy my brilliant brain powers itself on I am just pooped out.  No amount of nuturition can keep up with such an incredible organ. . .  heee heee.  I'll see if he buys that excuse.

Quotes I Like

(Pssst.  At this moment, the last one is my favorite. Tomorrow I might change my mind again. )


"She's the sort of woman who lives for others - you can tell the others by their hunted expression."
— C.S. Lewis (The Screwtape Letters)
 
"Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony."
— Mahatma Gandhi
 
"Friendship is the hardest thing in the world to explain. It's not something you learn in school. But if you haven't learned the meaning of friendship, you really haven't learned anything."
— Muhammad Ali

"Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy."
— Albert Einstein

"Don't be so humble - you are not that great."
— Golda Meir

"To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad."
— Jack Handey (Deep Thoughts)

"Never tell the truth to people who are not worthy of it."

— Mark Twain

Grease Ball Wife

Today AJ left town for the week.  He's about three hours away - so not too far. 

After he left I got started on the monumental task of reassembling two Britax car seats after I'd washed the covers.  It was epic.  Lucas's seat is a beast and is far more complicated than Nick's seat.

There were straps and holes, and metal bars, and velcro, and more straps, and some more holes and all sorts of knobs, and tethers and adjustments and different ways to thread the straps based on the weight of the child and several teeny tiny diagrams demonstrating how to do all of this. . . .

Epic.

We lost the bar that goes in the back of Lucas's seat.  He'd been playing with it yesterday while I cleaned the car out.  I didn't think anything of it until I needed it this morning to reinstall the seat.

ME: "Lucas what did you do with the black metal bar from your car seat?"
Lucas (looking at the garage door motor on the ceiling of the garage):  "I put it up there Mom.  See?  It's up on the roof."
Me:"No, Lucas, for real.  What did you do with it?"
Lucas: "I dunno." 
Me: "Lucas we have to find it or we can't go anywhere all week."
Lucas: "Oh. Ok."  (Looks as ceiling again) "THERE IT IS, IT'S UP THERE."
Me: "Go to the playroom.  Mommy needs alone time."

I was about to scream.  It took me three hours and one tearful phone call to a sympathetic friend to locate the damn thing at the bottom of a box. 

At 12:30 AJ called and said "Babe, I forgot my wallet on top of the dresser, I have no money and no gas." 

So I loaded the kids into the newly fixed car (!!! finally!!!).  The paint on the hood is peeling and looking really terrible but hey. . . . it runs good, gets good gas mileage, and it's paid for.

We drove two hours up to see AJ where he met us and I had the opportunity to meet one of his bosses.  Yayyy!  I had heard a lot about her and it was all good, so I was happy to finally meet her. 

BUT.

I hadn't showered.  And I hadn't brushed my hair.  And I had raspberry jam smeared across my sweatshirt from a peanut butter and jelly incident at lunch with Nick.  And my armpits stunk from the WWE wrestling match with the car seats . . . and the lack of shower.  And, I later discovered, I had mascara from yesterday smeared under one eye. 

Of course when AJ called I rushed out the door - not thinking I'd meet his boss - and several coworkers he always talks about.  I'd just finished manhandling 200 lb car seats into place - which as most of you know - is a gargantuan task.

So, to sum up:  I was smokin' hot. 

AJ was kind and introduced his grease-ball wife to his boss and other people. . . and they were kind and made small talk.  They didn't mention my hair was balled together in a knot that I had tried to hide in a ponytail -which really looked like a rats nest. 

He must have been so proud of me pimpin up in the car without paint on the hood and then getting out and looking like I'd slept under a bridge.   Mighty, mighty proud.

A Day Without A Nap

Nick refused a nap again today. At 6:15pm he was too tired to go on. He fell asleep on the ottoman, which I think is a very strange place to fall asleep.

Really, It's All Good

So.  Judging from some of the emails I've received about my previous post you all must think I'm an angry monster looking for a innocent victim.

We had a great time at the River of Lights.  The boys had so much fun and we did too.  It was less crowded than previous years because we went earlier in the month and on a weekday.  I'm glad we went.  It would have been perfect if there weren't so many idiots in this world. 

I forgot to tell you about the three car argument in the parking lot over who would get our spot when we pulled out.  One dude parked his car directly behind ours so that NO ONE could go anywhere until we all consented that he get the spot.  It was ridiculous. 

No one holds me hostage for a parking spot.  I crudely offered to violate his car with my tow hitch. 

That didn't go over so well.

Once again - I realize how classy I am.  I'm surprised I don't live in a home on wheels.

AJ was the peacemaker. 

He's used to playing the peacemaker for me.  And he's pretty good at it. 

How Did That Work Out For Ya?

Cleaning.  Yesterday.  Yeah.

Here's how the morning went:

Nick poured water on Lucas's head (came up from behind him).  Lucas freaks.  Nick gets in trouble.  I get busy cleaning up the carpet.

While wiping up carpet I hear the dog puking.  Onto my carpet.  Yayyy!

While cleaning up dog puke (and trying to fight the dog off from re-eating her own vomit - fun!!) I hear Nick thumping around in the other room.  I immediately get up to see what he is doing and. . . . .

Wait for it. . . . . .

He found the cat's water dish and dumped it onto my pillows and my laptop computer.

The term "fuming mad" doesn't quite cover it.

I sent him to his room so that I didn't kill him.  Out of sight out of mind.  Thankfully my computer is alright and my pillows are drying.

In other news - we went to the River of Lights last night.  It is a Christmas light show at the Botanic Gardens. 

We ended up going at the last minute.  I didn't have my camera.  If I did have my camera I would have taken pictures of the hoards of wheelchairs that clogged up the pathways and doorways.  And wheeled oxygen tanks too - those were fun to narrowly miss tripping over.

Oh the MASSIVE double jogging strollers were obnoxious in an in-your-face kind of way.  The people knew it would be crowded.  Their FIVE YEAR OLDS CAN WALK and the freaking strollers kept getting wedged into the doorways or between the rocks on the narrow path ways. . . I swear.  Dumbasses. 

And here is an observation from Cranky Kristin:  Ladies.  Don't wear healed clicky-clacky leather boots in your grey lambs wool coat to the botanic garden at night.  No, you don't look cute with your fancy hair perfectly curled and your shiny god damned lip gloss.  You look like an unprepared idiot.  You look stupid.  Wear appropriate footwear and stop whining when your boots get muddy. Suck it the F up ladies. 

And one more thing, just because you starve yourself doesn't mean you need to be mean to little kids.  If you cast a bitchy look at my adorable children who accidentally bump into your bony ass I will take you down. Fa la la la LA. La. La. La. Laaaaaa.

Crazy Week

This week is a busy week.  There's sickos and activities and doctors and events  . . . . I'll post as soon as I get a chance. 

Saus Saus and Eggs

I love how cute the kiddos are in this video.  Nick can't say sausage but instead says "Saus Saus" which I think is the sweetest thing.




Saus Saus and Eggs from Kristin Johnson on Vimeo.

Pullups and A Scary Rug

Long after your child has been potty trained, keep a stash of pullups around for when they get the flu - even if you never used pullups to begin with.  At 2 am after the second accident you will want to put the sick child into something easy, comfortable and disposable for the NEXT SIX accidents that happen before the sun comes up. 

I hadn't thought about it before, but young children aren't able to guage a fart from something more serious. . . . so I'm glad I had those disposables around because 4 year olds make BIG messes.

Big messes.

Poor little man was pretty upset about all the mess, but we reassured him that this happens to everyone at some point and he seems to feel better about things. 

Now is the challenge of keeping him hydrated. . . we bought "fancy water" which is the flavored water.  I've never purchased flavored water before because it seems silly to pay money for that sort of thing  - but little man is having trouble keeping stuff down so . . .

In other news: Last week we hung this Peruvian rug on our bedroom wall thinking it would add some color to the room.  BAD IDEA.  I'm sure you can see why. 



Those stinkin' eagles scared the hell out of me in the dark.  I made AJ get up the other night and take it off the wall so I could go to sleep.  What was I thinking??  This was totally foreseeable.  Look at the claws on those things.  And somehow in the dark the eagles look like huge eyes and the pyramids look like a nose  . . . so three sets of eyes looking down on me was unnerving. 

I still love the rug (so colorful and pretty) but it needs to hang somewhere else.

Kitty Body Language

WHY??  Why must I bore you with more kitty action?  Because the kids are getting the stomach flu that I just got over and they aren't very photogenic today.  That's why.  And because it is a relief that the cats aren't trying to kill each other anymore. 

Do you know how stressful it is to live with angry kitties??  Surprisingly stressful.  These bitches know how to cause universal misery.

Surprisingly Riley (the calico) who has always been soooooo timid has come out of her shell and is cracking down on all the attitude flying around this house.  She decided a few days ago that she will hide in the closet NO MORE, and she will sit in the sunshine when ever she feels like it and Haylee (white cat) and Maya (leopard cat) can suck it if they don't like it. 

I know.  My descriptive language is super classy. 

So Riley, one night, stepped out of the closet and laid down the law.  Maya got an ear full of growling and hissing and Haylee sat in the corner like a scolded child.  Ever since then, Riley has been the peacemaker.  It's her way now.  She is the *ahem* Hefty one and therefore she rules by intimidation now. 

I love that she has stepped up to the plate.  Maya still pisses Haylee and Riley off only because she is younger and wants to play chase and tackle play. . . . which obese older kitties are not enthusiastic about.  Olivia (dog) and Maya have decided to chase each other through the house lately.

Oh and it probably helps that I've been shamelessly and liberally drugging them with catnip.  That shit is seriously like kitty weed.  They just don't give a damn after a bit of the nip.  And it is fun for me to watch them get high.

Nick refused to take a nap so I told him to take quiet time in the bedroom.  He took his pants off and fell asleep with TWO baba's . 

Uh Huh.  I know.  Most people feel that baba's are bad - especially for a two year old.  However, this like everything else in parenting is subjective.  I'll do the old "it's time to give them to other babies" trick in about 6 months when he turns three.  Three is a more self assured age and a better time for that transition - in my obnoxious opinion.

Oh and helpful tip of the day:  When your child says they have a tummy ache.  Immediately give them a barf bowl  . . . just in case. And don't put them into your bed without putting on your old sheets and a towel on top of that. . . just in case.